my comet

If you are a fellow One Tree Hill fanatic, you should recognize this post by its title. In the season finally, Lucas finally finishes his second book which is "supposedly" about a boy seeing a comet that brought him energy and life... and then that comet disappearing for nearly all the boys life, causing him to question God and love and faith.

To quote the book: "The boy saw the comet and he felt as though his life had meaning. And when it went away, he waited his entire life for it to come back to him."

While I do not know how that book ends, I do know of the parallels that I see to it in my own life. Simply put, I have had a dream of beauty and completion and greatness since before I can even remember....

[Side note: You know, you hear of all these great stories of dreams that people have for life, and they can always link that dream back to one day or experience that started it all. For some reason, I simply can not. I have just always had a dream for to be married to a beautiful woman, to have an incredible family, and to change the world with my influence/greatness. Honestly, I dont even know where it came from. ]

My idol is Batman... and I think that explains more about my life than any post could. To his success and failure, I find my life searching after what Batman had. Batman, in my eye, was this person of power and influence who used all of his resources not for personal enjoyment, but to help the community around him. Ironically, he never gets the girl in the end... or rather, he never stays with the girl in the end. Instead, his personal pleasures are always trumped by the needs of the world around him. To me, Batman is the hero of all heroes because of his willingness to sacrifice his life and love to help others. In Batman, I see this man who loves deeply, who really cares for the world around him... he is a man who is moved by passion and emotion, who wants MORE out of life. And yet, ironically, the world that he lives in, Gotham, more often than not, only sees him as a machine of the night, and often hates him for some reason for another. In that, we see another sacrifice he is willing to make... and the latest Batman movie even demonstraits this... Bruce is willing to even sacrifice his own image and what even those close to him think of him as long as it is benefiting the greater good. To me, Bruce is a man's man, caring more about the world than his own success in it.... Oh the greater good... Alas, I fear I may be damned to such a position... if I am lucky :-)

I recently read through some old stories and poems I wrote in middle school. No worries... writing poetry was not a hobby of mine... rather a bizar school project, lol. Anywho, I thought you all out there (whoever you may be) might enjoy reading this one, as it once again tells you a lot about me and my inner-workings.

This is a poem I wrote when I was 10 years old. I actually remember writing this one... there was about 10 minutes of though, and then I just wrote it straight through, letting my inner (whatever) spill out on the paper. Knowing that I was only 10 when I wrote this really freaks me out... not because of any skill in the work, but rather to the degree that I still feel like I can associate with the emotion... the strong desire for love..... and the sadness of being alone. I do hope that if I ever did find "her" out there, that I would never make this mistake.

The poem is posted below, verbatim as I found it.

***********************************************************************

The Wind That Whispered

I saw a stranger passing by
I looked her straight, dead in the eye

We exchanged look, sights, and sounds
I was going to speak
When my mouth went weak

I opened my mouth
I tried to say
But I'll have to tell her
Some other day

As she left
I heard a whisper
Run, chase
Catch up with her
Ask her to stay nearby

A couple of minutes
For she could change your life
From a dew of a damp
To a lightening slick shine
She could be with
During the hard times

But I let her go
I let her leave
I let her go
She left my heart
With just a whisper of a dream

************************************************************

I have long since dreamed of living my life with such an incredible woman, and I still tragically believe in love at first sight. I am honestly tired of dating, and now I feel like all I am doing is searching. My belief in this woman seems to parallel my belief in God, though I hope they are independent. Both faiths, I do not remember the exact beginning... but I do remember times when that faith was made stronger (and most usually in the face of adversity to the faith).

Right now, I feel like my faith is really being refined. It would be (seemingly) much easier to give up on "the one" and placate myself with cute girls and fun personalities... and perhaps that would still be a healthy alternative to my "all or nothing" motto. However, we all know that I am not going to do that... silly me, the hopeless romantic, refusing to date for such horribly noble reasons as "I do not want to hurt another girl" as well as "I want to be emotionally ready when I do meet her." Sure, these sound like good reasons... but for now, I feel stuck in the BLAH! of life...

For now, I leave you with a quote from Count of Monte Christo:

"Life is a storm my young friend, you will bask in the sunlight one moment be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes. You must look into the storm as you shout as you did in Rome. Do your worst for I will do mine."

Title Poem

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

...Robert Frost

apparently my "ideal match"

For those of you who dont know... I am currently using eHarmony... yes, yes, enjoy your laughter... when you are done... continue reading.


Anywho, a strange observation I would like to make... I have taken the whole eHarmony personality test twice now... and I am noticing a strange pattern in the supposed "matches" that I am given. In all honesty, I am not sure what to say about it... so I am just going to throw some general trends out there that I have noticed, just various commonalities between myself and the 3-4 people a day eHarmony matches me with.

1) Almost all of my matches are in some way interested in Nursing... either they are a nurse, or they are wanting to be a nurse, or they are going to nursing school, or they want to be a medical missionary of sorts.

2) This next one is really strange... Another strange pattern I have noticed in my matches is that either they say that they want to have "lots" of kids, or they put "maybe" under the Want Kids category... it is really strange to me. It seems like my matches are all or nothing... Which really makes me think (especially as of late), who puts "maybe" in response to if they want kids. idk, I just find it strange...

3) Most of my matches I find in no way attractive... which has lead me to actually use physical appearance as a primary determining factor as to whether or not I initiate communication... It is horrible. I am really not a shallow guy, but many of these girls have similar personalities, and how much can you really know about a girl from two paragraphs of text... and so, alas, I am now shallow. haha.

4) Lastly... and I just find this amusing... I think it is hilarious that on eHarmony, you put your age and they also ask you how often you drink. The part I think is funny... is that the majority of my matches that are under 21, also state that they drink. idk, it is just funny to me...

Anywho, I want to know if my personality type just attracts nurses who maybe want to have kids... or if that is just the demographic of eHarmony. Ironically, I once dated a girl who wanted to be a nurse... and one of the reasons I knew we wouldnt work out was b/c she wanted to be a nurse, lol. Oh the ironies of life... In truth, it was more-so that I just wanted some-one who really challenged me, and she didnt really do that. Even more ironically, eHarmony actually suggested her as a match... HAHA! I am going to shut up now... lol.

Okay. My eHarmony subscription expires in a month... and thus far, I have only found ammusement. Hopefully this last month will be better than the last several months...

Overflow of my brain

Mental regurgitation, take 1:

I need more time... there is just so much I would like to do and accomplish that I just do not have time for. I need to become more scheduled, or God needs to grant me an exemption from this whole space-time continuum thing... haha.

I have books I want/ need to read. I have people I need to write letters or return emails or blog posts to. I have friends I need to call and chat with. I have debaters that are in need of way more perpetration. I have several songs that I need to be practicing on my guitar. I really need to organize my closet and room. I have tons of wood that still needs to be picked up around our property that I just can not find time for. I need to consistently work out, otherwise I am not going to make my goal. If I do not start organizing soon, I may miss out on life (due to only my own laziness, lol)

I am going to start organizing everything.... Now if I can just find time to do that... hahaha.

Mental regurgitation, take 2:
It was so weird watching Metro play tonight. Apparently, it was like quarter-finals... and the whole school had a pep-rally... and I knew that to those kids, this was the greatest moment in their life thus far. And yet, it was only a game. I remember that feeling though, not too long ago... where one game, or one debate seemed like everything. It is so weird, only being a few years after it, and looking back at kids who are in my exact shoes, and thinking "they are only kids". Now, dont get me wrong... this is a huge moment in their life, and it should be respected as such... but after my failures in debate and soccer, I remember it taking me a while to deal with all of that. Looking back at it now though, it is so much easier to see that one performance does not dictate how you are going to be the rest of your life.

Take for example my debaters. Their success and/or failures in the last two tournaments literally has nothing to do with how they will do in this upcoming regionals event. I do not now how to communicate this to them. In each of the kids that qualified, I see such great potential... they are all so incredibly different, that it is even hard in class to find a way to educate them all at once. And yet, I know that in their minds, they think they are all on the same playing field, only separated by their past performance at tournaments. Ironically, that couldnt be farther from the truth. It is not about being a "better debater", as if there was this stock criterion of exactly how a great debater should be... but rather, in preparation of regionals, the only way they are going to succeed, is if they can capitalize on what type of debater they already are.

At the end of the day, they will succeed or fail because of the effort they put into this preparation. Once the tournament is over, irrelevant of the resultant, I want them to carry that principle over into their personal life... that at the end of the day, it is not about how well you can fit a mold, but rather, how great a version of YOU that you can be. Otherwise, they are completely replaceable in life by a trained monkey... and that would just be silly, lol.

I guess I am saying that I want them to thrive as individuals and not as actors/actresses.

Mental regurgitation, take 3:
I feel completely neutral towards going to the University of Oklahoma. I am not too sure how I feel about that.... quite neutral actually, haha.

Speaking of OU, apparently, I have 3 years of school left... haha. Once again, I actually feel quite neutral towards that fact, lol.


Mental regurgitation, take 4:
I have been taking guitar for about a month now. And it has taught me one very important thing... that my brain can be my biggest obstacle in the way of me doing well in life. When I think too much, I do horribly. When I just chill out and let my fingers go, I am a prodigy... well, almost. :-)

Mental regurgitation, take 5:
I bought a lottery ticket today.... That would be nice. Though honestly, if I won... I wouldnt change much in my life. I would still teach my debate class. I would help my dad when he needed it. I would still finish the work with the trees. I would probably buy a house somewhere and set up an office, library, and reading room that I could call my "inner sanctum", or something of the like :-) I would buy my dad the plane he is looking at getting so that he and I could start learning to fly... and I would continue on my way to learning how to SCUBA dive..... Oh, and I would have to cut one heck of a tithe check, haha. As far as the world was concerned though... I dont think I would tell anyone other than my immediate family. :-)

Mental regurgitation, take 6:
I am tired... as in mentally drained. I look forward to some good rest.


Peace out girl scout. ;-)

book

I have a book in me. I can feel it. Now, it is just a matter of time... either I will find a way to get this out of me, or I will self-destruct.... in 5...4...3...2...

Einstein Quote

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction."

Communication

As of late, I have began to wonder about my own capacity to communicate...

Honestly, there was once a time when I considered myself a great communicator. Even now, I teach a debate class at my old high school, and not only do I love it, but I actually seem to be helping the class... Which, debate, of all things, is like a mixture of public speaking, persuasion, fast-pace communication, and the sport/ event itself entirely centers around the concept of taking several complex ideas and arguments, and simplifying them for an objective judge.

Either, my capacity to debate is irrelevantly to my capacity to communicate in the "real world", or in teaching debate, I have started to self-criticize my own personal ability to communicate. (the latter of which sounds more plausible to me, lol)

I have been thinking about this for some time actually. Several months ago, I was under the impression that it was the fault of the English language. No matter how much I learned, it seemed as though it was impossible to, using English, communicate some of the thoughts that were in my head. Then, I went on a kick where I blamed the people at Babel, lol. Now, I am thinking that there must be some way for me to be a better communicator.

Here is the deal, either everyone I talk to is on an entirely different frequency than I can even begin to imagine, or I am a sub-par communicator. All the time, I will be talking to someone, and we will be having a discussion or an argument, and They will talk for 5 minutes trying to explain their point, when I really "got it", in the first 5 seconds... okay, the first minute or two... you get my point. All the time, people go on and on trying to explain something to me, but I tell them "I GET IT" (which makes me think people are suprised that someone could understand them so quickly... which would imply that they face the same communication barrier in their own life), but then, when I try and respond, it is like talking to a brick wall. I just dont see how this is possible. Usually, I understand someone's position within a minute of them trying to explain something, if it even takes that long. However, when I try and tell them something back... it can take 20 minutes before they even begin to just nod their head in hopes that I will shut up.

This is all freaking ridiculous. On top of that, I do not want to have to talk for 20 minutes to try and convey one point to someone. It just wares me out... seriously. I get to the point, where I am just exhausted from talking for so long, trying every method imaginable to communicate one simple opinion.

I am convinced that I use 10x more words than I need to on a daily basis. I am certain that it is possible for me to be a more effective communicator, if only I could choose the right set of words the first time around. Seriously, I could get a lot farther with people in conversations if I could overcome this barrier.

I want to know how to talk with people, and I mean really talk with people. Not at them, not to them, but with them. I want to be able to communicate with the depth of their soul in such away that barriers and words are no longer an obstacle, and all that is being traded is the raw and naked truth of life (for better or for worse).

To me, that would be a miracle.

For now, me in all of my egotism will simply choose to believe that the truth that I hold to communicate takes an adjustment period of 20-30 minutes, and that is why it takes so long to convey this information to others... ;-)

Norman Bound, one advantage

I really like College, for the sole purpose that it takes me out of the crazy busy world that I normally live in (any time I am in Tulsa), and it puts me in my own world where I can set my own schedule. Now, eventually I fall back into my time-wasting ways, however, any time I get to go to a new college, there is always this beautiful first few months where I get to set my own hours and schedule for life, and follow it religiously.


And then life is beautiful. I absolutely love having a scheduled life, for the sole purpose that I love accomplishing so much in such a small amount of time. While I do not like being restrained or limited by a pre-determined schedule, and while being under a schedule does make me feel like a machine at times, still yet, I accomplish so much acting like a machine that, it is, for a time, worth the sacrifice.

I really hate feeling like I am wasting my time. My late New Years resolution, following the lead of my friend Shayna, is to stop wasting time. I get at most 16 hours in a day that I can utilize, and I would like to make the most of them.

First step, figuring out how on earth to get out of bed before 9am, haha.

beautiful song

There is this extraordinarily beautiful song playing... and I am so close, I can taste it.

blackout

I have recently discovered that I almost completely black out any and all memories that I have that are unfavorable. Unless I have a specific reason to remember them, for the most part, I believe that I automatically black-out all unfavorable events from my memory.

Just interesting.

dreaming

I wonder what the chances are of my dreams actually coming true...


HAHAHA!

:-)

What clothes are you wearing?

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" (2Cor5:17)

When Adam and Eve partook of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, they became enriched in sin. This sin caused them to be separated from God, which Paul once described as the most terrifying position a person could ever be in. To regain a piece of their security, it what now seemed to be a violent and hostile world, God made clothes for them of skin.

Their seperation caused fear for their life, or perhaps one could even say, the fear of death. Their future became uncertain, and their life, both eternal and mortal was now on the betting table. Being separated from Him, God exhibited one of the greatest acts of love that exists in all the Bible.

His new creation, the image of his existence, instilled with a will and freedom of choice, chose the tree over Him. He was betrayed. The ultimate experience of betrayal, and God in His love felt the knife rip the deepest. If any of you have ever spoke long with me, you will know that for a long time, I have had a great fear of being cheated on. I have silly reasons for this, but the greatest wrong I think a person could ever do to me within a relationship would be to pick someone else over me. Through my eyes, that is what I see with the fall of man. Adam and Eve cheated on God... they betrayed Him. For whatever reason, they believed the servant over God, they trusted Him over their heavenly father who brought them into this world.

I cant even begin to imagine how hurt this must have made God. Once more, now that they were in "sin", God couldn't even look upon them, as it would have certainly killed them (as we saw happen to priests in the OT). And yet, in Genesis, we see a God that is a bigger man that I think I could ever hope to be. Though betrayed, he still loved. Seeing them afraid of the world without Him, he created clothes of skin for them, so that they would not feel too insecure in this new world. Knowing that life with Him would be fatal now that they had chosen sin, he took His new creation, the greatest act of his power and character, and separated them from Himself. Though His entirety was invested into their creation, and his only will was to live forever with them, he let them walk away, knowing they could never survive any other way.... and so, God removed Adam and Eve from the Garden, and guarded the gate with and Angel that would never let man in again. Though we often see God acting in great love by giving his only son, right then in that moment, He let two of His children walk away, as he knew it was what had to happen. (This is surely a God that would understand the prodigals father's reaction)

Fast forward several thousand years, and we find redemption. After God had lead all of mankind towards the greatest journey to His heart, God sent His son to die in the paints of mortality so that all of His creation may live, as he intended Adam and Eve to in the garden on day one of their existence.

Now, to my friends of the new creation, it seems that we are in the garden once again, or at least that is what I am under the impression of. When Jesus came, he wiped our sin clear, and sent the Holy Spirit to, for lack of a better phrase, walk with us in the garden once again. Now, knowing the history of all of creation, we have been given the same choice that Adam once had in the garden.

Do we walk with God in the garden, living in the Love of God, or do we once again choose to bite from the tree and adorn ourselves with clothes once again. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not necessarily talking about running around naked, though personally that doesn't sound like such a bad idea, haha. The clothes I speak of are the things created by us and even by God to satiate our security in a world without God. However, new creations, may I remind you that we are no longer wondering outside of the garden. The world we live in is safe and beautiful, as it is the kingdom of God. So, I ask you friends, what clothes are you wearing right now? What are the things that you once adorned in the world, that brought you safety and security while you were fighting with sin?

To a new creation, I do strongly believe, sin is inapplicable. To think otherwise is to believe that anything we can do as new creations would overturn the great sacrifice of the Son of God. I am strongly impressed that as a new creation, we are not bound by the limits of sin. The shackles of error and terror have been removed. Now that we are new creations, we have been instructed to "renew our minds daily". This, my friends, I do believe is because now as new creations, sin is a very different beast to your life. Whereas in the OT, sin was a physical plague, ensnaring all men who were trapped behind their error, the NT paints a new portrait. To those in the new covenant, the old has gone and the new has come. To you, my friends, sin is nothing more than a cognitive disillusion. There is no such thing (to you) as seperation from God. Yes, there are actions that are better for you and the kingdom of God than others, but dont think that they are always the most intelligent decisions either. May I remind you that it is our God tells us that he will use "the foolish things of this world to confound the wise", and we are still living in the disposition where as if a person wishes to become wise in the things of God, they must first become dumb to the things of this world.

Today, and forever, we live in the garden that God built. It doesn't make sense, and it hardly seems possible, but it is true. Today, as much as then, the Spirit of God walks with us still. Today, you know Him as the Holy Spirit. The errors of our past, by the grace of God, have been washed cleaned by the love and grace of God.

It is about time we stop wearing these silly clothes as if there was a world to fear, and start walking with God in the garden once more.

backwards

As it turns out... I often am the victim of backwards conclusions.

When I try and be nice, it comes off as mean.
When I try to treat someone as my equal, it is taken as me looking down upon them.
When I try and speak calmly, I am taken to be argumentative.
When I do not speak at all to keep the peace, I am labeled as an instigator.
When I try to treat someone with respect, often times they are simply offended.

Will someone please explain to me what the HECK I am doing wrong here? Over the last several years, I have completely unintentionally (and not by negligence mind you, but by action) ticked off tons of people, and honestly, I have no clue why. Either their is some mental block between me and the rest of the world, or I am simply a victim of backwardness.

Still not sure about all this, but I am trying to sort things out.

desire

I desire desire.

And I have no clue what to do.

things that I know

Okay, here are some thing that I know:

1st - That it is vitally necessary for me to be in remembrance of God. For some reason, my life seems to quickly drift in bad directions whenever I loose focus of a Christ-centric world.

2nd - That with regards to education/ college, my specialties include (but are not necessarily limited to): website design, engineering/ physics, church history, Christian theology, debate, writing, business management, philosophy and any and all bits of seemingly useless information about how the world around us works.

3rd- I am in need of some serious help here.

4th - I am really bad at this whole "friendship" thing.

5th - I would really enjoy fitting in at some point in my life, aka, finding my "nitch"

6th - I am quickly forgetting what it even feels like to be in a relationship with a girl. I have lost memory of the feelings (both physical and emotional), and I barely even remember those brief moments were everything wasn't unnecessarily complex.

7th - I would like to enjoy that company of another, but I don't even know how to dream about that anymore... I can just remember it as a fact... that it is a nice thing to be in the company of another.

8th - I really have to get down this whole waking up a 7am. My life is a strange balance... on one hand, I am trying to let go and "just life", and yet on the other, I am trying to instill discipline into my schedule, because I know it is a good thing in the capacity I am trying to use it.

9th - I have no clue who even bothers to read this blog, lol.