Challenge

1 Cor 9: "Everyone who competes in the games exercises self-control in all things They then do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable.Therefore I run in such a way, as not without aim; I box in such a way, as not beating the air; but I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified"

Most of the people in my life tell me that I am way too hard on myself. Understandably, I can see what they are talking about, but I still hold to my desire to better myself. It would take way too much time to discribe all of the specifics, so for this posts I will have to stick to the vaguities. I believe it is important for people to do two things. First, they must decided on what type of person they were meant to be, or construct some general image of their own personality that is better than their current position, that they personally feel would allow the will of God to flow through their lives the easiest. Secondly, I think they must then take the appropriate steps to pull their-self up to that position in life.

I am not trying to create an endless cycle of betterment here, but I do think there is something to be said about really going after the dreams you believe should be a reality in your own life. This doesnt just apply to your personality/ way of looking at the world, it can apply to all of your life, but for the purpose of this post, I am going to directly apply it to who you are as a person.

A few years ago I decided that deep beneath the crap in my life existed a genuinly good person who wanted to help the people around him. However, between that good person and the rest of the world was a lot of crap/pain/etc. that would first have to be moved/ purged... and so I have been pushing myself constantly since then. I have restrained from getting into another relationship (though my heart desires it), I have moved out of my comfort zone in Tulsa (though my security desired it), and I am writing on this random blog. (even though I believe my words wont help anyone else out there).

There are several "easy ways out" in my life... Back in Tulsa, I had a guarunteed success, and a good life that would have been just swell... but at some point I started to believe that there was something more out there for me. So, I have been pushing and pushing my mind, body, and spirit "so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified"

I have a lot of struggles in my life. Specifically, I have a strong longing in my heart, my mind, and my body to be in a relationship. I miss the companionship and the intimacy (dont take that word the wrong way... I'm refrencing closeness, not physical intimacy). But, at some point I came to the decision that having a girl in my life was inhibiting my relationship with God... at the time, I was getting my security and my comfort from the relationship instead of from God. Now, I understand the idea of a complimentary role of the relationship instead of always relying on it.... and so I am here. For the most part, I am forcing myself to stay single until the "right girl" (whatever that means) comes along. Sure... that seams whimsical, but I am done just having a girlfriend to have a girlfriend. I dont have a strong enough desire to "just have someone in my life"... for it to be worth all the emotional trauma if they arent the right one. Im not saying it will be love at first sight, and I might date a few girls between her and now... but I think it is time to take relationships a lot more seriously. I no longer believe I should date someone who I do not think I would marry. Humerously enough, I once believe this... back in Sophomore year of highschool... but somewhere in there I decided to date people I knew I would never marry.. but alas, here I am again. I think that I need to find girl friends, so that I can learn to "just be friends". And in the event of me actually thinking a future is possible with someone... then and only then will I begin the whole dating thing.

You know, I once wanted to be a writer... but Im not sure now- I have a crazy hard time communicating things. Granted, I am writing these posts in a hurry.. but still, you would think I would be better at this, lol.