A (hopefully) Short Addendum

Okay, so here are the two major topics (briefly discribed) that are rocking my mind right now....
First, I have been fighting the concept of giving God controll of my life for a long time now. Sometime in the summer, I decided that I needed to give God absolute controll of my life, and since then I have been on the journey to do just that. First, it was the little things... computers, games, all the misc. things that took up my free time. I decided that several things were wasting my time and keeping me from pursuing God. The next step was not so easy. Admits a relationship that was getting all sorts of complicated, I realized that females just weren't something I should be partaking of right now. I think I went around 4 years without being out of a relationship of some sort for over a two weeks. I had essentially zero down time. That created in me a dependance on having a girl in my life. They became my comfort, my refuge, and my security- all things that God was suppose to be. So, that was terminated. Then, it came time to give God controll of my future. I was an engineer for a while, with a guarunteed future... but I gave that up in search of God. However, then I declared another major (History and PoliSci) that still had hopes of getting me a job. Once again, I felt secure in life.. but it wasnt through God. In addition to that, Tulsa was comfortable for me. I knew I was safe there, and I knew I could "make it" if I stayed there. That kept me from God. And so I am here... for a challenge, and so I can find all those things in God and not from things in life. (okay, as you can tell, this is going to be a long addendum, sorry :-) ) So, now I am at Pennsylvania wondering what the heck is going on. I keep trying to get girls out of my mind. I do not want to be dependent on a relationship. I want it to be a beautiful addition to my life that exists with in company with the peace of God... and quite simply- I am SICK AND TIRED of all the confusion that girls bring to my life. I think life should be way more simple than it has been in the history of my relations with the opposite sex. Anywho, this leads me to my next point.

Today, I got to the point where I was like "Why am I here?". I believe God can give me what I need when I need it. I believe you dont have to know the whole bible for the spirit of God to flow through you. I do not believe the path to success in my life is attaniable my my own study, outside of God. I do not want "studying God" to become an intellectual thing to me. I very much want to keep the deep, intimate, spiritual relationship I have with my heavenly father. Also, I do not want any more reasons to doubt the capacity of God. I refuse to try and quanitfy God... or ever feel like I "know" what he can and cant do.... Which leads me to Jesus.

For so long I have been talking to God trying to figure out what I was suppose to "do".. who I was suppose to date, what I was suppose to study, where I was suppose to go. It is very easy for me to lecture others about how we have the gift of choice, so we should use it based on our spirit, and do not neccesarily need an audible voice to tell us everything. I know that God moves beyond words, and can touch us through our spirit... but why was I not allowing the same thing to happen in my life....

Then I was reminded by the spirit what I was doing. I was seeking/ talking to God- and not speaking to Jesus. I have not ever really done that. I have always directly addressed God, and avoided Jesus. But I dont think we are suppose to do that. Jesus said He was to be the intersessor for us and the father... so why wasn't I just obeying him? Because I was stupid, that was why. Then the comparison hit me. I was trying to follow a very old covenent way of doing things. I was looking for works to find God... when Jesus is very much a different way.

When I was having this very angry and confused conversation with God... I was pacing my room, seemingly arguing with myself and God. Then I was reminded of the way Jesus worked. He told me to lay down... and that was how I was suppose to feel with Him. As I lay there on my comforter, stretched out across my bed, I felt the embrace of warmth and comfort. I felt Jesus tell me, "you worry too much"... "I will take care of you".... then all the sermons about "just as he takes care of the flowers of the field and sparrow, so will he take care of you" as well as the many speaches I have given others about how it is God who does the heavy lifting, not us. It was then that I was forced to admitt my own ignorance, and submitt to God.... through the love and comfort that Jesus brings. What I was doing was not the new covenent... it was very old covenent. I was seeking works, when all Jesus wants for us to do is to follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit, to follow the desires of our heart, to have a relationship with Him. We do not have to have everything in controll, we do not have to understand everything. We are just suppose to obey. I think that is what it comes down to. Obedience. I did not trust God enough to obey. I need to work on that.

So then I asked, "Why am I here, studying the word?"... and the answer I felt was that my studies was to teach me to seek God, to focus on Him and not myself, and most importantly, to have the scripture deep in me, so if I stumble again, I will have the word to push me forward.

I believe there are many parts to God, and that each one serves a purpose. I am not sure why I am here, but I know God has things in controll. I want a girl to laugh with and to love, but if now isnt the time, then so be it. For now, I will consume my mind and heart with the pursuit of God and try for once to let God be in controll.... We'll see how this goes. ;-) In all reality, I have like 3-4 hours of reading on "Jesus stuff" to do every day, so that should help. But, you know how my self controll is... haha.

-May your days be better than mine, and may you find God in every movement of your life.