Colorado

Today, I am in Colorado, and I am happy.

Though perhaps I will never have a conventional, understandable life, what I do have right now is great, and I am going to work on appreciating it more / realizing just how amazing the opportunities around me are.

Life is good, and I am excited :-)

Bad mood

I think my perpetual bad mood might be fed by the following:

1) Lack of physically present social network
2) I might be dealing with the failing of both of my last relationships at the same time... ie: I never really dealt with the actual total termination, and all relevant implications, of either of the last two relationships I terminated.
3) I am working my tail off, and I am having trouble seeing an attainable goal for my work.
4) I am not in a relationship. And yes, I know being alone can be good. And I am all up for that... However, I know that I was made with the intention of starting my own family... and I would like to do that.
5) I am entirely too introverted right now... not just about my own thoughts and feelings... but I am just not feeding into/ talking to other people as often as I should. When I stop focusing on people outside of myself, I tend to get into a bad mood.
6) Something really good is coming, and right now I am receiving massive preemptive attacks by the enemy in hopes of dissuading me from my rightful future.

Some of the things I need to do to fix this:
1) Follow the suggest of friends, and start preparing myself for my future, which would include:
a) Working out and eating regularly, not for appearance so much as just being healthy.
b) Get outisde of my bubble of sorrow and start living a happier life
c) Read as often as I should, and include the Bible in my readings
d) Pattern my life after the example of Christ, and learn how to be a REAL Christian
2) I am trying to develop a few pen-pals, and that seems to be working out nicely. It is good to have friends that are far away.
3) My father signed me up for an online dating/friendship service... and while I am not sure that is helping so much as just making me laugh, it should be added to this side of things I am doing :-)
4) I am trying to be a good brother to my sisters and son to my parents.

I have my steps, now I just need some motivation... or a girlfriend... so I can run away from my problems and into her comforting arms :-)

My Current Soundtrack

I dont even understand anymore. Maybe that is step one in life getting better. I just dont understand. I feel like my heart is full of sand. And, it is not just one of those days or even weeks where I feel bad. This just keeps going and going for months now. I am sure it will get better at some point. But for now, this song is in my head:




A hundred days had made me older since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lights had made me colder and I dont think I can look at this the same
But all the miles had separate
They disappeared now when Im dreaming of your face

Im here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
Im here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight its only you and me

The miles just keep rolling as the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated but I hope that it gets better as we go

Im here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
Im here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
it gets hard but it wont take away my love
And when the last one falls, when its all said and done
it gets hard but it wont take away my love

Im here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
Im here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

Im here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
Im here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
but tonight girl its only you and me

Online Profile Test

A General Description of How You Approach New Information and Experiences:

You think like an artist. Or better, you SEE like an artist. While most people look at life's straight lines, its height and depth and width, you're bending the lines with your imagination and turning black and white into shades of blue and yellow. And in conversations at work or with your friends you want to ask, "Do you see what I see?" A few might, most don't, but you've piqued everyone's curiosity with your own original and inventive ways of thinking.

You can, if you must, think in conventional ways. But left on your own, you'll usually opt for the eccentric or avant-garde; in fact you're usually bored with what everyone else is comfortable with. You learn from reading, talking, watching people and other fauna and flora, and simply sitting in the soft chair of your mind and wondering how people would learn how to count if they could only use uneven numbers. You are out in front of conventional ideas, bravely originally defining true and false, right and wrong, the good, the bad and the ugly.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward Your Style of Thinking:

You drive through life faster than the speed limit, and when you hit speed bumps, and you hit a lot of them with your mind distracted from the straight line ahead your wheels leave the ground.

For people who like life at a safer speed, you move too fast and lose touch too often with the solid ground they prefer, hence their discomfort with you. As odd as you might find this, many people feel safe in the shelter of the world they already know. They like the familiar. They breathe easily and sleep deeply knowing with more certainty how the world works. So although they might enjoy your company and be curious about your latest notion of how to count backwards by threes, they can only take you in small doses. And they wish you'd quit trying to push the boundaries of their personal and social cosmos.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You:

Even those whom you make uncomfortable know, as just about everyone does, that you're not a flake. You think well, and even your wildest fancies have their roots in the deep soil of sound ideas and tested beliefs. So even if some people don't want to drive at high speed with you, they will respect you for your courage as an innovative and unconventional thinker. You lend color and imagination to what would otherwise be the straight black and white lines of their work world and social environments.

A few more daring people of your circle might even learn from you to take a risk they would otherwise never consider. As comfortable as they are on solid ground, they may be curious about what it would be like to go faster than the speed limit, or paint the living room two shades of blue, or question ideas or beliefs they've fingered like sacred beads since they were children.

After all, they watch you do it, and you seem no worse for the risks you take. In fact, your eyes are wider and your breath quicker, and maybe they can find at least a bit of this for themselves. To be certain, they don't want their wheels to leave the ground, but maybe the next time they approach a speed bump they might just brace themselves and speed up just a little bit.

Quick post

I do not have time for this post... but a few quick thoughts before they leave my head.

I do not want to understand girls. I have no desire to predict them or understand them. Honestly, I just want to observe. Sure, in time, I am sure I will find patterns and predicables, but I have no desire to cramp them into those.

I think that being around a girl should be like listening to a good poem. I want to be able to just sit there and breathe it all in.

I think I have been treating girls like guys, trying to make them logical and comprehendable... when, honestly, that is just ridiculous.

Lastly, I want to move out of my house.... SOON!

Welcome to my inner circle

Sorry, but this is more of a diary entry than a quasi-public post... anywho, here it goes. Welcome to the inter-musings of my mind in the last hour. To set the stage, I have been mowing all today which = thinking... and I read the first four chapters of my most recent book addiction, Atonement by Ian McEwan.

So, I have been giving some thought to the next several years of my life. At first, I thought about jobs... but then I got bored of those thoughts. So, instead of working forward, I started thinking backward. Sounds clever... maybe predictable. Really, it was probably just out of boredom. Anywho, here is what I was thinking.

For me to find a job, a career... or any sort of direction, the general rule is to follow my heart. I mean, different people have different ways of approaching this... but I prefer the old-fashioned... follow your heart way of doing thing... and so, here is my heart:

If I was given the full hook-ups in life... win the lotto, given $1 billion, whatever... either way, it is an interesting fictional scenario to go through. Well, my first reaction is: I would like to live in Colorado, I would build a house up in the mountains that came off as a meek cabin.. but had a huge underground basement that was decked out with everything you would want in a dream house (maybe a metaphorical representation of my desired projected image). I have like a thousand different ideas for things I would want in a house (which makes me think I might like building hotels or custom houses...) Okay, so I would be in Colorado with a sweet house. I would have a big underground garage, like a bat-cave where I would build cool cars and keep my gadgets... like batman. Then, I would want to get involved in the world market. Go to the swag parties, re-invest in real estate, various tech. companies, etc. And, just like Batman... all of those monies made would go towards rebuilding cities, schools, communities, etc. (By the way, I want to start schools my way, and I have all these sweet ideas for that too) As for the connections made, I would hope to rub-off my ideals on others. So, that would be my dream...

However, there is a hitch. All of this really would probably numb me if I was to do it alone. But, I will save the "perfect woman" speech for later... thought, it is an important part of the whole fantasy.

So, here are my next thoughts. What should I do right now? Think about my present desires... well, those change. Today, I would like to retreat into the woods with a sweet girl, a good book, and some paper to write something worth reading. Next week, I will probably be obsessed with rebuilding my remote-control car. It is just how my personality seems to work. I am a very "passionate" person so to speak... I find some project, or passion, and I prefer to commit myself fully to it until it is "complete" in my eyes. I have rebuilt a car, designed a few websites, built a few computers, built ramps, various gadgets... you get the idea. Take my current job. I spent the first week (before I started working) just cleaning the office... it was project, and I loved it. Then, I published two books, then built a website... and dug a drainage ditch outside our house because I thought a soggy area was interfering with my mowing. To be honest, I just like these things. Projects, things that require my brain, my sweat, my hands, and my heart. I like putting myself into something and making something better. I always have.

The schools told me that makes me an engineer, I have looked into web-designer, mechanical engineer, and all these other tasks associated with "doing" projects. But, every time, it turns out that there is always a type of person, who, when they specialize in that area, is better than me. Now,I am not talking about just one person, I am talking about an entire type of person. I can be a really good web-designer. I could be a really good engineer. But, I know that I want more than that. And right now, the thing that I am "great" at, is just being really good at a lot of things.

Here is how I see my life. Whatever I commit myself to, I can be fairly good at. But every time, once it is complete, I need a new challenge. Now, there are some weird twists to this because aside from physical projects, I usually only do everything at 95%. Which, to many, is great, but always leaves me wanting. I would like to do everything at 100% But in all honest, I know that would kill me. I guess I am looking for what everyone else is looking for, that groove, that nitch, that zone of operation that only I could do well in. Maybe that is an egocentric approach to it all, but it is how I view things right now.

For the longest time, I have had this fixation with superhero's like Batman and Superman. I embrace them like they are ideals of my own life. I love this show "Smallville" because it is Superman growing up. Everytime I watch it, I get hope. Hope that maybe one day I can step into my calling like he steps into his. Luckily, the character in Smallville has constant struggles with his powers, not understanding or appreciating them. In correlation, I have hope that I am doing the same. Right now I am going through a lot of rough things. I just hope that they are helping to prepare me for later and that I am not just making one mistake after another.

In short, I just want to know that I am on the right path in life. I would like to go to college, but I am afraid that I would just go back for my comfort zone. I dont like going back to something for comfort. It doesn't usually work out well.

So, my resultant conclusion. Tomorrow, I wake up, thank God, and work hard. The End.

The Depression of Self-Death

I have been in the absolute worst mood for the last month or two. At first, I thought it was because of my recent break-up... then I blamed it on being without many friends... then I blamed my parents, and my sisters..... but after all the crap settled, I finally have found out that it was my fault.

See, at some point, I stopped dreaming, or rather, taking my dreams seriously. I have always been a guy of great imagination, however, after seeing myself fall short time and time again of my dreams, I started to treat my dreams as if they were nightmares. For several weeks, I had emotionally traumatizing dreams of rejection, failure, etc. etc. And I just got to this horrible feeling of deathly depression. It got so bad that I was fighting just to continue breathing. I mean, I was seriously upset that breathing was so hard. Yes, I know it sounds silly, but I was.

Now, I have a new plan. Dream big, write it down, and believe it. I dream up all these wonderful things every day, but I never write them down, and so they are lost within me. Over time, these dead dreams just stacked up, and eventually started to choke the life out of me. That will not happen again. From time to time, I might share some of them here with you all, but many of these will be kept in my newfound "DREAM JOURNAL". I know this sounds wack, but you all out to give it a try. Everyone dreams of a better life from time to time. Well, when you dream it, write it down. If nothing else, it will help the memory linger longer.

Plus, no great things was accomplished without being written down. Think about it, all great movements centered around some document or speech. It is not that the speaker was necessarily great, but rather that words allow us to create anchors. I was creating negative anchors based on failure. Now, it is about time I created some positive anchors based in hope and expectation.

Worst case, I fail, and end up right back here again... ready to try something else.

Has anybody else ever kept a dream journal?

Born to be different

I think that men and women were created to function in separate roles. Now, dont get me wrong. If you are feminist, please pull your nails out of the desk... I am not talking about necessarily a feminine or masculine superiority. I speak only of different roles. It is no mystery that men and women are biologically different creatures. While I could rant on about how various biological difference would promote usefulness in some roles while not in others... I will avoid the 3rd Grade psyc lecture.

Today, I thought about something that I really found interesting. A few days ago I read the book "The Tipping Point". If you get a chance, you should check it out. It really is a good book. Anyways, in there the author talked about how, in recent studies of cigaret addicts, scientists, psychologists, etc. have noticed that the actual addiction to smoking isnt so much the nicotine as it is an addiction to what smoking does for a person's life. Now, the author did a way better job of articulating this than I can, so I will just cut to the point. Long story short, it turns out that anti-depressant medication is actually just as, if not more effective at stopping people from smoking than the nicotine patch/ gum ever has been. As it turns out, smoking actually helps stimulate the brain to release various chemicals (I use that word vaguely) that trigger happiness and warmth (emotional). Anti-depressants do the same and more-so. For those who smoked because of that good feeling it brought, the anti-depressant medication served their craving, and thus they had no desire for a cigaret, and when they went to smoke, all they could taste was the smoke, because they already had the good feeling. And so many quit.

This brings me to today's thought. I was watching a commercial for a new type of birth control pill, and interestingly enough, their main advertisement was for things like "clearing up acne", "stabilizing depression", "assisting hormones"... and the short story is that being on the pill actually made you what we would call "a better feeling woman". Now, as most of you know, what the pill does is essentially stimulate a woman's body into a state similar to pregnancy. What is really funny about this is that a large majority of young women are on the pill. There by, the societal norm that we project is a woman in a pseudo-state of pregnancy. The way she feels, looks, interacts, etc. The way a woman's body should be, hormonally, is similar to a state of pregnancy. This observation really just struck me because right now, the birth-rate, world wide is decreasing rapidly. And yet, women throughout America know that they only feel "right" when they are in a state of pregnancy. Now, I am not necessarily speaking against birth control or the pill here. I am just bringing up an interesting correlation.....

People smoke (in general) because it stimulates chemicals in their brain that make them feel happy. Instead of treating the problem, they treat the symptom. In the same way, millions of women, if not billions are on the pill today because they know that their bodies only feel right when they are approaching a state of pregnancy. And then, they wonder, why life feels void of purpose when they dont get married until they are 35, and even then only to have 1 maybe 2 kids. Yes, yes, I know that fits into the great plan of success and a controlled life. However, right now, the replacement rate for a family is 2.1. Meaning, a family has to have 2.1 kids to simply replace the husband and wife. In the next 50 years, Europe will loose over 1/4 of its population to death alone, and the lack of children to replace those who are passing away. I just wonder when our society will start treating the problem instead of the symptom. Children can be a wonderful blessing to any community. They bring hope, and joy, they push people forward and bind many people together... not to mention the fact that children actually help their mother's emotionally, physically, and psychologically. When the welfare system was created, there was something like 20 people working for every one person on welfare. Today, there is 2 people working for every one person on welfare. By the time my generation hits, there will be 1 to 1 if not worse. Irrelevant of your outlook on welfare, I think it can be agreed that we as a society need more people working and more children to support those who can not.


Now, just as another aside, and so you know I am not having a bash-fest on the women of the world... the same principle holds true for me. Besides childbearing, which unquestionably drives millions of men to push their self forward in life (to support their family), men face another interesting situation in life. Right now, the life expectancy for men is something like 5-8 years shorter than for women. Much of that is caused by early deaths including heart-attack, strokes, etc. Of which, is generally caused by a high amount of stress on a body that in no way can handle it. Many men have gotten smart about this, working out regularly. Besides the good the male-bonding brings, constant physical stimulation (I mean working out.... get your mind out of the gutter...)of the body conditions not only their body, but their mind and heart. Endurance, personal awareness, and strength, both gained through exercise is something I think we can all agree that today's men need more of... and to talk about this from the sexual side, as I did with women.... The other day I was reading a study done comparing our little blue pill against just common exercise. Interestingly enough, it turns out that while medication like Viagra is effective, a man who exercises on a consistent basis, and watches what he eats actually has just a sensitive of a sexual response as a common man on Viagra. Yes, I am being serious. Working out and eating well actually gives men the same effect as Viagra without any of the wicked side-effects.

It is almost like men were made to be active and physical in life (and not so much desk slaves), while women were created with childbirth and care in mind. Now, I am not talking about a 1920's mom stays home while dad goes out in work. I am just saying that I think the world would be a better place if men took care of their body, so that they could be prepared in all regards to support their family. Secondly, I think men should want to have families. If they really want to succeed, nothing pushes a man like putting food on a table for a family he loves. While family may seem like a burden to some, it has been the great success of man others.

In short, I believe that a husband and wife who have a healthy sexual relationship, open to the possibility of childbirth would really help them personally, as well as help the society as a whole. And, I think that while medication is a great resource to those in need, it is far more important to treat problems at their core than to just skate by constantly treating symptoms.

Honesty

Honestly, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired... of being ashamed of me. And so, I think it is about time that I owned my own life. For a while now, I have been running towards some ideal that I wanted to be. But at some point, I believe that I lost touch with the here and now. At some point, I became too future minded to be of any present good to the world. I really wanted to "be around and impact the people that really mattered in this world", but I completely missed the fact that I am called, right now, to matter to the people I am around and let our relationships impact each other. I guess it was just me trying to futurecast again.

Today, I will begin owning myself again. Being me, being the friend I should, and for once in my life, not being so damn self centered. If anybody sees me doing otherwise, you have permission to hit me. but not to hard please.... because I am not totally in controll of my hulk like rage yet :-)