Welcome to my inner circle

Sorry, but this is more of a diary entry than a quasi-public post... anywho, here it goes. Welcome to the inter-musings of my mind in the last hour. To set the stage, I have been mowing all today which = thinking... and I read the first four chapters of my most recent book addiction, Atonement by Ian McEwan.

So, I have been giving some thought to the next several years of my life. At first, I thought about jobs... but then I got bored of those thoughts. So, instead of working forward, I started thinking backward. Sounds clever... maybe predictable. Really, it was probably just out of boredom. Anywho, here is what I was thinking.

For me to find a job, a career... or any sort of direction, the general rule is to follow my heart. I mean, different people have different ways of approaching this... but I prefer the old-fashioned... follow your heart way of doing thing... and so, here is my heart:

If I was given the full hook-ups in life... win the lotto, given $1 billion, whatever... either way, it is an interesting fictional scenario to go through. Well, my first reaction is: I would like to live in Colorado, I would build a house up in the mountains that came off as a meek cabin.. but had a huge underground basement that was decked out with everything you would want in a dream house (maybe a metaphorical representation of my desired projected image). I have like a thousand different ideas for things I would want in a house (which makes me think I might like building hotels or custom houses...) Okay, so I would be in Colorado with a sweet house. I would have a big underground garage, like a bat-cave where I would build cool cars and keep my gadgets... like batman. Then, I would want to get involved in the world market. Go to the swag parties, re-invest in real estate, various tech. companies, etc. And, just like Batman... all of those monies made would go towards rebuilding cities, schools, communities, etc. (By the way, I want to start schools my way, and I have all these sweet ideas for that too) As for the connections made, I would hope to rub-off my ideals on others. So, that would be my dream...

However, there is a hitch. All of this really would probably numb me if I was to do it alone. But, I will save the "perfect woman" speech for later... thought, it is an important part of the whole fantasy.

So, here are my next thoughts. What should I do right now? Think about my present desires... well, those change. Today, I would like to retreat into the woods with a sweet girl, a good book, and some paper to write something worth reading. Next week, I will probably be obsessed with rebuilding my remote-control car. It is just how my personality seems to work. I am a very "passionate" person so to speak... I find some project, or passion, and I prefer to commit myself fully to it until it is "complete" in my eyes. I have rebuilt a car, designed a few websites, built a few computers, built ramps, various gadgets... you get the idea. Take my current job. I spent the first week (before I started working) just cleaning the office... it was project, and I loved it. Then, I published two books, then built a website... and dug a drainage ditch outside our house because I thought a soggy area was interfering with my mowing. To be honest, I just like these things. Projects, things that require my brain, my sweat, my hands, and my heart. I like putting myself into something and making something better. I always have.

The schools told me that makes me an engineer, I have looked into web-designer, mechanical engineer, and all these other tasks associated with "doing" projects. But, every time, it turns out that there is always a type of person, who, when they specialize in that area, is better than me. Now,I am not talking about just one person, I am talking about an entire type of person. I can be a really good web-designer. I could be a really good engineer. But, I know that I want more than that. And right now, the thing that I am "great" at, is just being really good at a lot of things.

Here is how I see my life. Whatever I commit myself to, I can be fairly good at. But every time, once it is complete, I need a new challenge. Now, there are some weird twists to this because aside from physical projects, I usually only do everything at 95%. Which, to many, is great, but always leaves me wanting. I would like to do everything at 100% But in all honest, I know that would kill me. I guess I am looking for what everyone else is looking for, that groove, that nitch, that zone of operation that only I could do well in. Maybe that is an egocentric approach to it all, but it is how I view things right now.

For the longest time, I have had this fixation with superhero's like Batman and Superman. I embrace them like they are ideals of my own life. I love this show "Smallville" because it is Superman growing up. Everytime I watch it, I get hope. Hope that maybe one day I can step into my calling like he steps into his. Luckily, the character in Smallville has constant struggles with his powers, not understanding or appreciating them. In correlation, I have hope that I am doing the same. Right now I am going through a lot of rough things. I just hope that they are helping to prepare me for later and that I am not just making one mistake after another.

In short, I just want to know that I am on the right path in life. I would like to go to college, but I am afraid that I would just go back for my comfort zone. I dont like going back to something for comfort. It doesn't usually work out well.

So, my resultant conclusion. Tomorrow, I wake up, thank God, and work hard. The End.