cake

I want to have my cake and eat it too.

I do not understand why this would ever be disallowed.

Silly grown-ups.

distance

I would travel all day to see a friend if they wanted me to. I would have no problem doing that. Even if that meant a 20 hour drive alone so we could talk for only 5 hours... just so I could then drive another 20 hours back... I would find it worth it.

Friends are worth that to me. The distance is worth it, for a friend.

For some strange reason, it is easier for me to do big things for friends than small ones. It is easier for me to commit myself to a 5 hour coffee session at 2am than to call someone back within the week, or return an email soon.... I am not sure what this is. Maybe it is because I find the coffee conversation worth it. Small talk about life, maybe not so much... but something worth talking about for a few hours... with someone who wants to talk with me. That is worth whatever distance.


I was thinking about this the other day, in reference to friends and with reference to relationships. I guess I have just never really thought about this before. I would date someone on the coast, or even in another country, if she was the one. I would have no problem driving that distance how ever often I needed to so that things would work between us, if she was the one (either for me at that time in my life, or for forever). The same applies to friendships with me. I am a pretty social person, but I only really become friends with a few people. To those people, I am willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.

I just want that to be known. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. I just need to know what I should do. Friends are worth it to me, so long as they give a damn about me too.

*** as a note, this is more of a statement of who I am, or who I want to be, than directed at one person in my life ***

a friendly challenge

I am an idiot.

I have never found it my place to "school" anyone... just to talk about life.

Sorry Marissa. You were right.

You have a fantastic quote:

Imagination abandoned by reason produces impossible monsters: united with her, she is the mother of the arts and the source of their wonders.

ah, personality tests :-)

you chose CY - your Enneagram type is SIX (aka "The Loyalist").

"I am affectionate and skeptical"

Questioners are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family, friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

How to Get Along with Me

* Be direct and clear.
* Listen to me carefully.
* Don't judge me for my anxiety.
* Work things through with me.
* Reassure me that everything is OK between us.
* Laugh and make jokes with me.
* Gently push me toward new experiences.
* Try not to overreact to my overreacting.

What I Like About Being a SIX

* being committed and faithful to family and friends
* being responsible and hardworking
* being compassionate toward others
* having intellect and wit
* being a nonconformist
* confronting danger bravely
* being direct and assertive

What's Hard About Being a SIX

* the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind
* procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence in myself
* fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of
* exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger
* wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right
* being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations

Norman Bound

And so I was thinking, what would I like to do right now. Honestly, I would like to get my life in order and do something that I do not have time for, or rather am not making time for right now. Among those things are: reading, writing, dreaming, eating regularly, sleeping as much as I should, working out often, and spending time with friends and family.

Also, I would really like to spend some time in Europe, and study some church history. That however, is really only best done in graduate school. And so, it appears I need a college degree. Well, I have been thinking, really what is most important for graduate school is your undergraduate GPA... and since I want to do many things (like reading) that is not work, I would be best off not taking crazy hard classes, but rather save my exploratory studying for graduate school, where it can be best utilized. For now, I think I would like a good general degree that I can do well in, not be wasting my time studying, and would serve me later in life (both to get me into graduate school, if I still want to go) and just be a good degree to have.

Therefore, I have have applied to the University of Oklahoma, the school I swore I would never go to ... lol. I am going to be studying Entrepreneurship and Venture Management, while enjoying life, laughing with friends, reading what I would like to read, and finally be on a good schedule.

My time in Tulsa has been great, but I would like to be on my own now. It is time. I have applied for summer session, and the day after my birthday, I will be moving out and starting classes down at OU (if all goes as planned).

I am looking forward to it... now if I can just find a place to live :-)

Jesus Speaks

Last night, I walked around outside for a while, and went down by our pond and lit up a fire. While I was there, I spoke with God about everything that was going on in my life, and this is what he showed me.....

For a while now, God and I have been playing this cute little game... well, you have ever been in a relationship for any length of time, you know what I am talking about... It is that moment when you have run out of clever ideas and planed dates, and just get together just to BE together. Guy picks up girl, they drive off into the sunset... only to have this belabored conversation about "What do you want to do?".... I dont know/ care... "Where would you like to go?" Now, at this point, I am sure that many of you will find that the best solution to this problem is simply for one of the parties to be more "decisive"... and while that would solve the problem, it does not show what is really going on here.

Given two people who just want to be together, the truth is that it really doesnt matter where they go or what they do so long as they are together. Granted, some places are on the black list, but that varies by the couple really. In short, this is what I have been doing with God. I have been sitting just asking where he wanted me to go... At first, I was trying to plan good places to go... think through everything to evaluate my options. Then, I just kept asking Him where he wanted to go. Last night, he answered me.

While I was outside, I looked around our property, and thought about my family and life thus-far. In all reality, I have everything I could ever need. I have a family that loves me, financial support from several sources, the opportunity to do, really, whatever I want to do in life, and a healthy body to enjoy this all in. So then, I told/ asked God... I have everything I would ever need. You have given me all of this. Now, what am I suppose to do? How do I help to change the world? What is my mission for you? And so He told me "Enjoy the life I have given you." In short, he told me next, "[In your enjoyment, you will find my mission for your life.]"

That was pretty much it. I am to enjoy the life God has given me, and pursue not a job or a career, but just the thinks I enjoy in life, and in those moments of joy, God will use me to do His will. It makes sense, really. It was Him who put this joy inside of me, and so I must know that it is He who liked that pleasure to His will. It sounds simple... but for so long, I interpreted the "do what you enjoy" advice as "pick a job you enjoy"... but I am not smart (or rather, wise) enough to do that. And so, I am going to enjoy life now.... because Jesus told me to :-)

Step 2:
Enjoy life. Take a chill-pill, and just soak it all in. When Jesus wants me for something, he can summons me. Until then, I will be enjoying His creation and following my heart... which, I honestly believe (though I will not think on it too long) that my heart will lead me in accordance with His will every day I am alive. Zac is going to remember the joy in life now, and just soak in Gods creation for a while.

I have made my decision

This will come in phases.


Step One:

Listen to this song. It was given to me by a friend recently. It will be the background music to my decision. The lyrics are mildly important... but don't try and interpret them verbatim. That would just be silly :-)

http://www.box.net/shared/j3s5z7pg6x

Brillance

This excites me... though mathematics brings me no more excitement than any other subject... but perhaps that is the point.

http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/10.06/wolfram.html

some explain, others offer hope

<< DISCLAIMER - Please dont read this post unless you can read it all the way through... I tend to skim quotes, but there is a reason I picked these. >>

My thoughts:
“It's not enough to have a dream unless I'm willing to pursue it. It's not enough to know what's right unless I'm strong enough to do it. It's not enough to join the crowd, to be acknowledged and accepted. I must be true to my ideals, even if I'm excluded and rejected. It's not enough to learn the truth unless I also learn to live it. It's not enough to reach for love unless I care enough to give it.”

And yet, I still know:
“To dream anything that you want to dream. That's the beauty of the human mind. To do anything that you want to do. That is the strength of the human will. To trust yourself to test your limits. That is the courage to succeed.”

A friend recently reminded me:
“To dream of a person you would like to be is to waste the person you are”

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, the providence moves too. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way.”

From one of my favorite movies:
"Only in their dreams can men be truly free. Twas always thus, and always thus will be."

I need people to tell me this:
“If the dream is big enough the facts don't matter”

This is beautiful to me:
“Hope is the dream of a soul awake.”

************************************************************

You are right oh great world of internet friends. A few of you have hit my nail on the head. I am tired, and quickly reaching exhaustion. I am not effectively walking in my purpose right now. I know this, and yet, other than run away, what would you have me to do? I cant identify without isolating myself, and I cant even begin to talk with anyone about all this madness without risking my own stake of sanity... as if there were even people left I could talk to.... I have become scarily familiar with letting go, and at this point, I am just hoping that it is God who has the reins, because right now, I am letting go of it all. I am just not capable, of anything other than misery without some serious perfect divine intervention.

Other than idling, what should I do? Or is there an inherent flaw in that question that explains all of this? Anyone.

"it"

The it of which I last spoke... was directly referring to a conversation I had with a friend about a significant life change I am in the process of. Apparently there are things in my life that are owning me instead of me owning them... More importantly, those things are getting in the way of my relationship with God, as well as my relationships with friends...s I have to some end been more focused on my happiness and those goals than on simply thanking and serving God. The process/ life-change of which I speak is my current journey for which to change that. Specifically, I strongly want a wife, family, career, and fully-knowable end purpose. However, as it seems, I want those things even more than I desire the truth of God to penetrate my own life. To that end, I have been found selfish, and so a change is now necessary. A change where in I am no longer self-centered, but rather, focused on the world around me and the God above me. Even if I dont want to. Or rather, especially when I dont want to be. At this point, I am learning to trust God more than myself, my hopes, and my dreams.

It is hard. I feel as though I am becoming more familiar with "letting go" than I ever was familiar with "holding on". I do not like it many times, but I know that it is necessary, as this season in my life. Even though there are so many seemingly legitimate things that I want out of life, I still know that ultimatly, God's desires must come first.

Right now, I am giving up on trying so hard at everything. From now on, I will only be giving effort to the things that God asks of me. Everything else, all other work done because I thought it was necessary... is just in vain.

I have let go of a really close friend. I did not want to, but God saw it fit that I did. We agreed it was the best decision. It hurts me to do this. I do not like this constant isolation and aloneness. But, God has a bigger plan, I am sure.

And that is all.

...

And so it begins.....