cake

I want to have my cake and eat it too.

I do not understand why this would ever be disallowed.

Silly grown-ups.

distance

I would travel all day to see a friend if they wanted me to. I would have no problem doing that. Even if that meant a 20 hour drive alone so we could talk for only 5 hours... just so I could then drive another 20 hours back... I would find it worth it.

Friends are worth that to me. The distance is worth it, for a friend.

For some strange reason, it is easier for me to do big things for friends than small ones. It is easier for me to commit myself to a 5 hour coffee session at 2am than to call someone back within the week, or return an email soon.... I am not sure what this is. Maybe it is because I find the coffee conversation worth it. Small talk about life, maybe not so much... but something worth talking about for a few hours... with someone who wants to talk with me. That is worth whatever distance.


I was thinking about this the other day, in reference to friends and with reference to relationships. I guess I have just never really thought about this before. I would date someone on the coast, or even in another country, if she was the one. I would have no problem driving that distance how ever often I needed to so that things would work between us, if she was the one (either for me at that time in my life, or for forever). The same applies to friendships with me. I am a pretty social person, but I only really become friends with a few people. To those people, I am willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.

I just want that to be known. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. I just need to know what I should do. Friends are worth it to me, so long as they give a damn about me too.

*** as a note, this is more of a statement of who I am, or who I want to be, than directed at one person in my life ***

a friendly challenge

I am an idiot.

I have never found it my place to "school" anyone... just to talk about life.

Sorry Marissa. You were right.

You have a fantastic quote:

Imagination abandoned by reason produces impossible monsters: united with her, she is the mother of the arts and the source of their wonders.

ah, personality tests :-)

you chose CY - your Enneagram type is SIX (aka "The Loyalist").

"I am affectionate and skeptical"

Questioners are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family, friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

How to Get Along with Me

* Be direct and clear.
* Listen to me carefully.
* Don't judge me for my anxiety.
* Work things through with me.
* Reassure me that everything is OK between us.
* Laugh and make jokes with me.
* Gently push me toward new experiences.
* Try not to overreact to my overreacting.

What I Like About Being a SIX

* being committed and faithful to family and friends
* being responsible and hardworking
* being compassionate toward others
* having intellect and wit
* being a nonconformist
* confronting danger bravely
* being direct and assertive

What's Hard About Being a SIX

* the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind
* procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence in myself
* fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of
* exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger
* wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right
* being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations

Norman Bound

And so I was thinking, what would I like to do right now. Honestly, I would like to get my life in order and do something that I do not have time for, or rather am not making time for right now. Among those things are: reading, writing, dreaming, eating regularly, sleeping as much as I should, working out often, and spending time with friends and family.

Also, I would really like to spend some time in Europe, and study some church history. That however, is really only best done in graduate school. And so, it appears I need a college degree. Well, I have been thinking, really what is most important for graduate school is your undergraduate GPA... and since I want to do many things (like reading) that is not work, I would be best off not taking crazy hard classes, but rather save my exploratory studying for graduate school, where it can be best utilized. For now, I think I would like a good general degree that I can do well in, not be wasting my time studying, and would serve me later in life (both to get me into graduate school, if I still want to go) and just be a good degree to have.

Therefore, I have have applied to the University of Oklahoma, the school I swore I would never go to ... lol. I am going to be studying Entrepreneurship and Venture Management, while enjoying life, laughing with friends, reading what I would like to read, and finally be on a good schedule.

My time in Tulsa has been great, but I would like to be on my own now. It is time. I have applied for summer session, and the day after my birthday, I will be moving out and starting classes down at OU (if all goes as planned).

I am looking forward to it... now if I can just find a place to live :-)

Jesus Speaks

Last night, I walked around outside for a while, and went down by our pond and lit up a fire. While I was there, I spoke with God about everything that was going on in my life, and this is what he showed me.....

For a while now, God and I have been playing this cute little game... well, you have ever been in a relationship for any length of time, you know what I am talking about... It is that moment when you have run out of clever ideas and planed dates, and just get together just to BE together. Guy picks up girl, they drive off into the sunset... only to have this belabored conversation about "What do you want to do?".... I dont know/ care... "Where would you like to go?" Now, at this point, I am sure that many of you will find that the best solution to this problem is simply for one of the parties to be more "decisive"... and while that would solve the problem, it does not show what is really going on here.

Given two people who just want to be together, the truth is that it really doesnt matter where they go or what they do so long as they are together. Granted, some places are on the black list, but that varies by the couple really. In short, this is what I have been doing with God. I have been sitting just asking where he wanted me to go... At first, I was trying to plan good places to go... think through everything to evaluate my options. Then, I just kept asking Him where he wanted to go. Last night, he answered me.

While I was outside, I looked around our property, and thought about my family and life thus-far. In all reality, I have everything I could ever need. I have a family that loves me, financial support from several sources, the opportunity to do, really, whatever I want to do in life, and a healthy body to enjoy this all in. So then, I told/ asked God... I have everything I would ever need. You have given me all of this. Now, what am I suppose to do? How do I help to change the world? What is my mission for you? And so He told me "Enjoy the life I have given you." In short, he told me next, "[In your enjoyment, you will find my mission for your life.]"

That was pretty much it. I am to enjoy the life God has given me, and pursue not a job or a career, but just the thinks I enjoy in life, and in those moments of joy, God will use me to do His will. It makes sense, really. It was Him who put this joy inside of me, and so I must know that it is He who liked that pleasure to His will. It sounds simple... but for so long, I interpreted the "do what you enjoy" advice as "pick a job you enjoy"... but I am not smart (or rather, wise) enough to do that. And so, I am going to enjoy life now.... because Jesus told me to :-)

Step 2:
Enjoy life. Take a chill-pill, and just soak it all in. When Jesus wants me for something, he can summons me. Until then, I will be enjoying His creation and following my heart... which, I honestly believe (though I will not think on it too long) that my heart will lead me in accordance with His will every day I am alive. Zac is going to remember the joy in life now, and just soak in Gods creation for a while.

I have made my decision

This will come in phases.


Step One:

Listen to this song. It was given to me by a friend recently. It will be the background music to my decision. The lyrics are mildly important... but don't try and interpret them verbatim. That would just be silly :-)

http://www.box.net/shared/j3s5z7pg6x

Brillance

This excites me... though mathematics brings me no more excitement than any other subject... but perhaps that is the point.

http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/10.06/wolfram.html

some explain, others offer hope

<< DISCLAIMER - Please dont read this post unless you can read it all the way through... I tend to skim quotes, but there is a reason I picked these. >>

My thoughts:
“It's not enough to have a dream unless I'm willing to pursue it. It's not enough to know what's right unless I'm strong enough to do it. It's not enough to join the crowd, to be acknowledged and accepted. I must be true to my ideals, even if I'm excluded and rejected. It's not enough to learn the truth unless I also learn to live it. It's not enough to reach for love unless I care enough to give it.”

And yet, I still know:
“To dream anything that you want to dream. That's the beauty of the human mind. To do anything that you want to do. That is the strength of the human will. To trust yourself to test your limits. That is the courage to succeed.”

A friend recently reminded me:
“To dream of a person you would like to be is to waste the person you are”

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, the providence moves too. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way.”

From one of my favorite movies:
"Only in their dreams can men be truly free. Twas always thus, and always thus will be."

I need people to tell me this:
“If the dream is big enough the facts don't matter”

This is beautiful to me:
“Hope is the dream of a soul awake.”

************************************************************

You are right oh great world of internet friends. A few of you have hit my nail on the head. I am tired, and quickly reaching exhaustion. I am not effectively walking in my purpose right now. I know this, and yet, other than run away, what would you have me to do? I cant identify without isolating myself, and I cant even begin to talk with anyone about all this madness without risking my own stake of sanity... as if there were even people left I could talk to.... I have become scarily familiar with letting go, and at this point, I am just hoping that it is God who has the reins, because right now, I am letting go of it all. I am just not capable, of anything other than misery without some serious perfect divine intervention.

Other than idling, what should I do? Or is there an inherent flaw in that question that explains all of this? Anyone.

"it"

The it of which I last spoke... was directly referring to a conversation I had with a friend about a significant life change I am in the process of. Apparently there are things in my life that are owning me instead of me owning them... More importantly, those things are getting in the way of my relationship with God, as well as my relationships with friends...s I have to some end been more focused on my happiness and those goals than on simply thanking and serving God. The process/ life-change of which I speak is my current journey for which to change that. Specifically, I strongly want a wife, family, career, and fully-knowable end purpose. However, as it seems, I want those things even more than I desire the truth of God to penetrate my own life. To that end, I have been found selfish, and so a change is now necessary. A change where in I am no longer self-centered, but rather, focused on the world around me and the God above me. Even if I dont want to. Or rather, especially when I dont want to be. At this point, I am learning to trust God more than myself, my hopes, and my dreams.

It is hard. I feel as though I am becoming more familiar with "letting go" than I ever was familiar with "holding on". I do not like it many times, but I know that it is necessary, as this season in my life. Even though there are so many seemingly legitimate things that I want out of life, I still know that ultimatly, God's desires must come first.

Right now, I am giving up on trying so hard at everything. From now on, I will only be giving effort to the things that God asks of me. Everything else, all other work done because I thought it was necessary... is just in vain.

I have let go of a really close friend. I did not want to, but God saw it fit that I did. We agreed it was the best decision. It hurts me to do this. I do not like this constant isolation and aloneness. But, God has a bigger plan, I am sure.

And that is all.

...

And so it begins.....

Quote of the day

"Do not let your spark go out, spark by irreplaceable spark. In the hopeless swamps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all, do not let the hero in your soul perish and leave only frustration for the life you deserved, but never have been able to reach. The world you desire can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours."

Ayn Rand, 'Atlas Shrugged'

My anthem

To keep myself going these last two moths, my phrase has been...


"It just isn't bad enough to quit... It just isn't enough to break."


Interesting... huh?

life v2.9

As of late, I have tried many times conveying where I am in life right now.

Here is my latest attempt, as expressed in a recent email to a friend:

I am still deciding if I want to go back to college. Or, more importantly, where I would even go back to. I will not go back to college just to be at A college.... so, now I need to find a place that would be worth spending the next two years of my life there. Right now, the mountains or the beach sounds nice. I still dont much care what degree I get. I just want to study things that interest me, do some reading and writing, and develop some friendships. It is weird, the few friendships I have right now are really what keeps me going during the day. I write letters a few time a week, and I usually do it during my "off" time. I am still against just veging. This weekend, I cut up a few trees and wrote letters to friends. It was a nice weekend. Though, it would have been nicer if I would have been around real people.

Right now, I really feel like I have been thrown in the purification fires. For the last several months, I have really felt horrible, almost every day. For the last three weeks, I have just been trying to keep my sanity/ emotional stability. I think God wants to teach me something here. I look forward to growing, though, right now, it doesn't feel very good.

That is where I am in life. Candid and unashamed. I am growing, and yes, it is quite painful :-)

So... yea. Does anybody have any suggestions for where I should go to college... and why?

-Zac

Me in a nutshell

Your Score: Logical Female

You are a logical female. Males in this category are a little bit on the rarer side, but stand out. You are fairly easygoing and often question the world around you, and yourself. You don’t usually take arguments personally and like your breathing room. This may be mistaken for a lack of assertiveness, but you are actually surprisingly stubborn. Unfortunately, while you can sniff out motives and make cognitive leaps with your intuition rather easily, it may fail you in the realm of the heart. This may cause others to believe you to be cold and distant, when in fact you are simply bewildered. As a male, you are perceived as witty and confident, though also probably a huge nerd, which may alienate some women. Your best match is another Logical Female.

Colorado

Today, I am in Colorado, and I am happy.

Though perhaps I will never have a conventional, understandable life, what I do have right now is great, and I am going to work on appreciating it more / realizing just how amazing the opportunities around me are.

Life is good, and I am excited :-)

Bad mood

I think my perpetual bad mood might be fed by the following:

1) Lack of physically present social network
2) I might be dealing with the failing of both of my last relationships at the same time... ie: I never really dealt with the actual total termination, and all relevant implications, of either of the last two relationships I terminated.
3) I am working my tail off, and I am having trouble seeing an attainable goal for my work.
4) I am not in a relationship. And yes, I know being alone can be good. And I am all up for that... However, I know that I was made with the intention of starting my own family... and I would like to do that.
5) I am entirely too introverted right now... not just about my own thoughts and feelings... but I am just not feeding into/ talking to other people as often as I should. When I stop focusing on people outside of myself, I tend to get into a bad mood.
6) Something really good is coming, and right now I am receiving massive preemptive attacks by the enemy in hopes of dissuading me from my rightful future.

Some of the things I need to do to fix this:
1) Follow the suggest of friends, and start preparing myself for my future, which would include:
a) Working out and eating regularly, not for appearance so much as just being healthy.
b) Get outisde of my bubble of sorrow and start living a happier life
c) Read as often as I should, and include the Bible in my readings
d) Pattern my life after the example of Christ, and learn how to be a REAL Christian
2) I am trying to develop a few pen-pals, and that seems to be working out nicely. It is good to have friends that are far away.
3) My father signed me up for an online dating/friendship service... and while I am not sure that is helping so much as just making me laugh, it should be added to this side of things I am doing :-)
4) I am trying to be a good brother to my sisters and son to my parents.

I have my steps, now I just need some motivation... or a girlfriend... so I can run away from my problems and into her comforting arms :-)

My Current Soundtrack

I dont even understand anymore. Maybe that is step one in life getting better. I just dont understand. I feel like my heart is full of sand. And, it is not just one of those days or even weeks where I feel bad. This just keeps going and going for months now. I am sure it will get better at some point. But for now, this song is in my head:




A hundred days had made me older since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lights had made me colder and I dont think I can look at this the same
But all the miles had separate
They disappeared now when Im dreaming of your face

Im here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
Im here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight its only you and me

The miles just keep rolling as the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated but I hope that it gets better as we go

Im here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
Im here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
it gets hard but it wont take away my love
And when the last one falls, when its all said and done
it gets hard but it wont take away my love

Im here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
Im here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

Im here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
Im here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
but tonight girl its only you and me

Online Profile Test

A General Description of How You Approach New Information and Experiences:

You think like an artist. Or better, you SEE like an artist. While most people look at life's straight lines, its height and depth and width, you're bending the lines with your imagination and turning black and white into shades of blue and yellow. And in conversations at work or with your friends you want to ask, "Do you see what I see?" A few might, most don't, but you've piqued everyone's curiosity with your own original and inventive ways of thinking.

You can, if you must, think in conventional ways. But left on your own, you'll usually opt for the eccentric or avant-garde; in fact you're usually bored with what everyone else is comfortable with. You learn from reading, talking, watching people and other fauna and flora, and simply sitting in the soft chair of your mind and wondering how people would learn how to count if they could only use uneven numbers. You are out in front of conventional ideas, bravely originally defining true and false, right and wrong, the good, the bad and the ugly.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward Your Style of Thinking:

You drive through life faster than the speed limit, and when you hit speed bumps, and you hit a lot of them with your mind distracted from the straight line ahead your wheels leave the ground.

For people who like life at a safer speed, you move too fast and lose touch too often with the solid ground they prefer, hence their discomfort with you. As odd as you might find this, many people feel safe in the shelter of the world they already know. They like the familiar. They breathe easily and sleep deeply knowing with more certainty how the world works. So although they might enjoy your company and be curious about your latest notion of how to count backwards by threes, they can only take you in small doses. And they wish you'd quit trying to push the boundaries of their personal and social cosmos.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You:

Even those whom you make uncomfortable know, as just about everyone does, that you're not a flake. You think well, and even your wildest fancies have their roots in the deep soil of sound ideas and tested beliefs. So even if some people don't want to drive at high speed with you, they will respect you for your courage as an innovative and unconventional thinker. You lend color and imagination to what would otherwise be the straight black and white lines of their work world and social environments.

A few more daring people of your circle might even learn from you to take a risk they would otherwise never consider. As comfortable as they are on solid ground, they may be curious about what it would be like to go faster than the speed limit, or paint the living room two shades of blue, or question ideas or beliefs they've fingered like sacred beads since they were children.

After all, they watch you do it, and you seem no worse for the risks you take. In fact, your eyes are wider and your breath quicker, and maybe they can find at least a bit of this for themselves. To be certain, they don't want their wheels to leave the ground, but maybe the next time they approach a speed bump they might just brace themselves and speed up just a little bit.

Quick post

I do not have time for this post... but a few quick thoughts before they leave my head.

I do not want to understand girls. I have no desire to predict them or understand them. Honestly, I just want to observe. Sure, in time, I am sure I will find patterns and predicables, but I have no desire to cramp them into those.

I think that being around a girl should be like listening to a good poem. I want to be able to just sit there and breathe it all in.

I think I have been treating girls like guys, trying to make them logical and comprehendable... when, honestly, that is just ridiculous.

Lastly, I want to move out of my house.... SOON!

Welcome to my inner circle

Sorry, but this is more of a diary entry than a quasi-public post... anywho, here it goes. Welcome to the inter-musings of my mind in the last hour. To set the stage, I have been mowing all today which = thinking... and I read the first four chapters of my most recent book addiction, Atonement by Ian McEwan.

So, I have been giving some thought to the next several years of my life. At first, I thought about jobs... but then I got bored of those thoughts. So, instead of working forward, I started thinking backward. Sounds clever... maybe predictable. Really, it was probably just out of boredom. Anywho, here is what I was thinking.

For me to find a job, a career... or any sort of direction, the general rule is to follow my heart. I mean, different people have different ways of approaching this... but I prefer the old-fashioned... follow your heart way of doing thing... and so, here is my heart:

If I was given the full hook-ups in life... win the lotto, given $1 billion, whatever... either way, it is an interesting fictional scenario to go through. Well, my first reaction is: I would like to live in Colorado, I would build a house up in the mountains that came off as a meek cabin.. but had a huge underground basement that was decked out with everything you would want in a dream house (maybe a metaphorical representation of my desired projected image). I have like a thousand different ideas for things I would want in a house (which makes me think I might like building hotels or custom houses...) Okay, so I would be in Colorado with a sweet house. I would have a big underground garage, like a bat-cave where I would build cool cars and keep my gadgets... like batman. Then, I would want to get involved in the world market. Go to the swag parties, re-invest in real estate, various tech. companies, etc. And, just like Batman... all of those monies made would go towards rebuilding cities, schools, communities, etc. (By the way, I want to start schools my way, and I have all these sweet ideas for that too) As for the connections made, I would hope to rub-off my ideals on others. So, that would be my dream...

However, there is a hitch. All of this really would probably numb me if I was to do it alone. But, I will save the "perfect woman" speech for later... thought, it is an important part of the whole fantasy.

So, here are my next thoughts. What should I do right now? Think about my present desires... well, those change. Today, I would like to retreat into the woods with a sweet girl, a good book, and some paper to write something worth reading. Next week, I will probably be obsessed with rebuilding my remote-control car. It is just how my personality seems to work. I am a very "passionate" person so to speak... I find some project, or passion, and I prefer to commit myself fully to it until it is "complete" in my eyes. I have rebuilt a car, designed a few websites, built a few computers, built ramps, various gadgets... you get the idea. Take my current job. I spent the first week (before I started working) just cleaning the office... it was project, and I loved it. Then, I published two books, then built a website... and dug a drainage ditch outside our house because I thought a soggy area was interfering with my mowing. To be honest, I just like these things. Projects, things that require my brain, my sweat, my hands, and my heart. I like putting myself into something and making something better. I always have.

The schools told me that makes me an engineer, I have looked into web-designer, mechanical engineer, and all these other tasks associated with "doing" projects. But, every time, it turns out that there is always a type of person, who, when they specialize in that area, is better than me. Now,I am not talking about just one person, I am talking about an entire type of person. I can be a really good web-designer. I could be a really good engineer. But, I know that I want more than that. And right now, the thing that I am "great" at, is just being really good at a lot of things.

Here is how I see my life. Whatever I commit myself to, I can be fairly good at. But every time, once it is complete, I need a new challenge. Now, there are some weird twists to this because aside from physical projects, I usually only do everything at 95%. Which, to many, is great, but always leaves me wanting. I would like to do everything at 100% But in all honest, I know that would kill me. I guess I am looking for what everyone else is looking for, that groove, that nitch, that zone of operation that only I could do well in. Maybe that is an egocentric approach to it all, but it is how I view things right now.

For the longest time, I have had this fixation with superhero's like Batman and Superman. I embrace them like they are ideals of my own life. I love this show "Smallville" because it is Superman growing up. Everytime I watch it, I get hope. Hope that maybe one day I can step into my calling like he steps into his. Luckily, the character in Smallville has constant struggles with his powers, not understanding or appreciating them. In correlation, I have hope that I am doing the same. Right now I am going through a lot of rough things. I just hope that they are helping to prepare me for later and that I am not just making one mistake after another.

In short, I just want to know that I am on the right path in life. I would like to go to college, but I am afraid that I would just go back for my comfort zone. I dont like going back to something for comfort. It doesn't usually work out well.

So, my resultant conclusion. Tomorrow, I wake up, thank God, and work hard. The End.

The Depression of Self-Death

I have been in the absolute worst mood for the last month or two. At first, I thought it was because of my recent break-up... then I blamed it on being without many friends... then I blamed my parents, and my sisters..... but after all the crap settled, I finally have found out that it was my fault.

See, at some point, I stopped dreaming, or rather, taking my dreams seriously. I have always been a guy of great imagination, however, after seeing myself fall short time and time again of my dreams, I started to treat my dreams as if they were nightmares. For several weeks, I had emotionally traumatizing dreams of rejection, failure, etc. etc. And I just got to this horrible feeling of deathly depression. It got so bad that I was fighting just to continue breathing. I mean, I was seriously upset that breathing was so hard. Yes, I know it sounds silly, but I was.

Now, I have a new plan. Dream big, write it down, and believe it. I dream up all these wonderful things every day, but I never write them down, and so they are lost within me. Over time, these dead dreams just stacked up, and eventually started to choke the life out of me. That will not happen again. From time to time, I might share some of them here with you all, but many of these will be kept in my newfound "DREAM JOURNAL". I know this sounds wack, but you all out to give it a try. Everyone dreams of a better life from time to time. Well, when you dream it, write it down. If nothing else, it will help the memory linger longer.

Plus, no great things was accomplished without being written down. Think about it, all great movements centered around some document or speech. It is not that the speaker was necessarily great, but rather that words allow us to create anchors. I was creating negative anchors based on failure. Now, it is about time I created some positive anchors based in hope and expectation.

Worst case, I fail, and end up right back here again... ready to try something else.

Has anybody else ever kept a dream journal?

Born to be different

I think that men and women were created to function in separate roles. Now, dont get me wrong. If you are feminist, please pull your nails out of the desk... I am not talking about necessarily a feminine or masculine superiority. I speak only of different roles. It is no mystery that men and women are biologically different creatures. While I could rant on about how various biological difference would promote usefulness in some roles while not in others... I will avoid the 3rd Grade psyc lecture.

Today, I thought about something that I really found interesting. A few days ago I read the book "The Tipping Point". If you get a chance, you should check it out. It really is a good book. Anyways, in there the author talked about how, in recent studies of cigaret addicts, scientists, psychologists, etc. have noticed that the actual addiction to smoking isnt so much the nicotine as it is an addiction to what smoking does for a person's life. Now, the author did a way better job of articulating this than I can, so I will just cut to the point. Long story short, it turns out that anti-depressant medication is actually just as, if not more effective at stopping people from smoking than the nicotine patch/ gum ever has been. As it turns out, smoking actually helps stimulate the brain to release various chemicals (I use that word vaguely) that trigger happiness and warmth (emotional). Anti-depressants do the same and more-so. For those who smoked because of that good feeling it brought, the anti-depressant medication served their craving, and thus they had no desire for a cigaret, and when they went to smoke, all they could taste was the smoke, because they already had the good feeling. And so many quit.

This brings me to today's thought. I was watching a commercial for a new type of birth control pill, and interestingly enough, their main advertisement was for things like "clearing up acne", "stabilizing depression", "assisting hormones"... and the short story is that being on the pill actually made you what we would call "a better feeling woman". Now, as most of you know, what the pill does is essentially stimulate a woman's body into a state similar to pregnancy. What is really funny about this is that a large majority of young women are on the pill. There by, the societal norm that we project is a woman in a pseudo-state of pregnancy. The way she feels, looks, interacts, etc. The way a woman's body should be, hormonally, is similar to a state of pregnancy. This observation really just struck me because right now, the birth-rate, world wide is decreasing rapidly. And yet, women throughout America know that they only feel "right" when they are in a state of pregnancy. Now, I am not necessarily speaking against birth control or the pill here. I am just bringing up an interesting correlation.....

People smoke (in general) because it stimulates chemicals in their brain that make them feel happy. Instead of treating the problem, they treat the symptom. In the same way, millions of women, if not billions are on the pill today because they know that their bodies only feel right when they are approaching a state of pregnancy. And then, they wonder, why life feels void of purpose when they dont get married until they are 35, and even then only to have 1 maybe 2 kids. Yes, yes, I know that fits into the great plan of success and a controlled life. However, right now, the replacement rate for a family is 2.1. Meaning, a family has to have 2.1 kids to simply replace the husband and wife. In the next 50 years, Europe will loose over 1/4 of its population to death alone, and the lack of children to replace those who are passing away. I just wonder when our society will start treating the problem instead of the symptom. Children can be a wonderful blessing to any community. They bring hope, and joy, they push people forward and bind many people together... not to mention the fact that children actually help their mother's emotionally, physically, and psychologically. When the welfare system was created, there was something like 20 people working for every one person on welfare. Today, there is 2 people working for every one person on welfare. By the time my generation hits, there will be 1 to 1 if not worse. Irrelevant of your outlook on welfare, I think it can be agreed that we as a society need more people working and more children to support those who can not.


Now, just as another aside, and so you know I am not having a bash-fest on the women of the world... the same principle holds true for me. Besides childbearing, which unquestionably drives millions of men to push their self forward in life (to support their family), men face another interesting situation in life. Right now, the life expectancy for men is something like 5-8 years shorter than for women. Much of that is caused by early deaths including heart-attack, strokes, etc. Of which, is generally caused by a high amount of stress on a body that in no way can handle it. Many men have gotten smart about this, working out regularly. Besides the good the male-bonding brings, constant physical stimulation (I mean working out.... get your mind out of the gutter...)of the body conditions not only their body, but their mind and heart. Endurance, personal awareness, and strength, both gained through exercise is something I think we can all agree that today's men need more of... and to talk about this from the sexual side, as I did with women.... The other day I was reading a study done comparing our little blue pill against just common exercise. Interestingly enough, it turns out that while medication like Viagra is effective, a man who exercises on a consistent basis, and watches what he eats actually has just a sensitive of a sexual response as a common man on Viagra. Yes, I am being serious. Working out and eating well actually gives men the same effect as Viagra without any of the wicked side-effects.

It is almost like men were made to be active and physical in life (and not so much desk slaves), while women were created with childbirth and care in mind. Now, I am not talking about a 1920's mom stays home while dad goes out in work. I am just saying that I think the world would be a better place if men took care of their body, so that they could be prepared in all regards to support their family. Secondly, I think men should want to have families. If they really want to succeed, nothing pushes a man like putting food on a table for a family he loves. While family may seem like a burden to some, it has been the great success of man others.

In short, I believe that a husband and wife who have a healthy sexual relationship, open to the possibility of childbirth would really help them personally, as well as help the society as a whole. And, I think that while medication is a great resource to those in need, it is far more important to treat problems at their core than to just skate by constantly treating symptoms.

Honesty

Honestly, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired... of being ashamed of me. And so, I think it is about time that I owned my own life. For a while now, I have been running towards some ideal that I wanted to be. But at some point, I believe that I lost touch with the here and now. At some point, I became too future minded to be of any present good to the world. I really wanted to "be around and impact the people that really mattered in this world", but I completely missed the fact that I am called, right now, to matter to the people I am around and let our relationships impact each other. I guess it was just me trying to futurecast again.

Today, I will begin owning myself again. Being me, being the friend I should, and for once in my life, not being so damn self centered. If anybody sees me doing otherwise, you have permission to hit me. but not to hard please.... because I am not totally in controll of my hulk like rage yet :-)

Why I Left College: v1

"There is a tide in the affairs of men, which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune but omitted, and the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and mesires. On such a full sea are we now afloat and we must take the current when it serves or lose the ventures before us." - Julius Caesar

Corner of Sunrise

I think when it boils down to it, all we really want is a corner of a sunrise. This is more than just significance, this is to be part of something beautiful that you know the whole world must be enjoying right long aside you. I am 20 years old, I have a nice handful of distant friends that I hope to soon know better. I live at home, but hope to soon move out. I am not going back to college, and I hope to one day be able to rationally explain to skeptical others why. I have a life that is mine and a tomorrow to look forward to. There is nothing inherently beautiful about where I am right now. I am in transition as some might say, from the days of being a boy to the lifetime as a man.

This is my corner of a sunrise. I am here. I have left college like the sun leaves the moon to shine on the earth in hopes of a more joyful reply. I have made commitments to love and to life as the sky commits to the warmth of the suns color. Between darkness and day, there exists a beautiful sunrise for every day. From horizon to horizon, this sunrise stretches the sky, reminding us that there are bigger things this world wakes up to than just us. My father reminds me that there are people out there who's destiny relies on my actions. I suppose I never really thought of it before, but beyond myself, there are people out there who are relying on me doing what God called me to do for today. In the same way, I know that I am just a corner of the sunrise that is happening right now. However, I do know it is happening.

i am not totally sure what this day will bring, but I do know that this moment in time, with the sky lit up in amber and blue, is looking like the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen in my life. I am just glad that I am awake to see it.

Too often we look for beauty in the day, or triumph in the darkness. Today I have found a new stage to appreciate, the stage of transition, the moment when your corner of the sunrise glows along with the rest. If you are there, enjoy it, because I think we have a long day ahead of us. It is good. :-)

my life, today

I would like this feeling to go away. Maybe a better way to put it is, I would like to be in the middle of something worth fighting for. Too many things in my life seem to have failed, or I have failed them. I know that everything is in Gods plan, but in my eyes, I am lost at sea. This has been a very interesting life. I am quite honestly not sure what the future holds for me. I just want to do Gods will for my life. I know it existis, somewhere deep within my own heart. Now, if I can just find that, I will be golden. :-)

I love people. I love to love, and to laugh, and to talk. I love most to talk with people about the so-called "deep" thing, because those are the topics actually worth the air. Dont get me wrong, I am not a emotional philosoph, just someone who cares.

God my God, where am I. Am i the one not listening? Do I talk too much... because I tend to do that. What would you have me do right now.

I am thinking about dropping out of school. Maybe it will be just a semester off, but I think it might turn out to be more than that. I would like for someone I trust to tell me this is a good idea. I dont know why I need affirmation. Maybe because I am unclear as to what God thinks.

Everything is going to be okay. This life is worth living. God is in controll. Or, atleast, I hope he is, because I am damn sure that I lost it a while ago... haha.

Current life plan:
Do not go back to Grove.
Work with my father (10x more stressful and complicated than school, trust me).
Work out of the office next door to have my own space.
Get on a good work-out program to gain weight and look hot. hahahaha. mainly to be healthy...
Write letters to my friends regularly (2 or so a week)
Read a book a week of my choosing to continue learning.
Spend time with my family.
Spend time with friends.
Travel all over the states, for work and leisure.

My goals:
Work: By Christmas of 2008, have a salary and move out to my own apartment or small house. Have a new car and travel frequently. Work 50 hours a week and love it.
Friendships: Have several people across the US I write frequently, and actually make a difference in their life.
Body: By Christmas 2007, weigh 190 lb.

I will add more later, but that is what I have right now... my plane is leaving, haha, g2g

a question

Why am I afraid to dance, I who love music and rhythm and grace and song and laughter?

Why am I afraid to live, I who love life and the beauty of flesh and the living colors of the earth and sky and sea?

Why am I afraid to love, I who love love?

-Eugene O’neill

Life, Now.

"Under your pardon. You must note beside,
That we have tried the utmost of our friends,
Our legions are brim-full, our cause is ripe:
The enemy increaseth every day;
We, at the height, are ready to decline.
There is a tide in the affairs of men,
Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;
Omitted, all the voyage of their life
Is bound in shallows and in miseries.
On such a full sea are we now afloat;
And we must take the current when it serves,
Or lose our ventures."

dreaming

I have a dream.

That I might actually be able to do what Jesus wants me to do.

I dream of living a life fuller than the one I have now, I dream of loving those in my life more than I do now. I dream of being a better friend to those God has trusted me with. I dream of one day being a good husband to a lovely wife. I dream of having lots of children who I can enstill my love, wisdom, and passion into. I dream of affecting this world more than I can do on my own. I dream of a day when the body of Christ will actually function as a body. I dream of greater things than I am even capiable of imagining. It is neccessary for me to dream these things because this is how God made me. I think this can happen, but only through God.

Seeking God is like running a really long race. At times, I have wondered off the path, only to be lost in the thicket. At time, I have camped out on the path, sitting down in my lawn chair to marvel in the beauty of the path. At times, I have become so excited that I ran this path, while at some times I did it because I was afraid. But alas, here I am once again, walking forward on my path towards doing the will of God in my life. It is not the destination that concerns me, but the journey. I thank God that I can enjoy this journey. On top of that, I thank God that I have people in my life that I can enjoy my journey with.

Life is long, hard, and complicated- there is no denying that. But to me, life is still overwhelmingly beautiful. There is really no great discovery of this post, but just to say that life is really beautiful right now, and that I am so glad that God has allowed me to see its beauty.

I dream of having a bigger family than I do now because, really, family is everything. I am excited about one day having a wife to love and having children to learn from. But until then, I will continue on my path, appreciating God in everything around me. And someday, perhaps, I will get to walk next to others and watch their eyes light up just as mine do every day.... That will be a beautiful day, as it will also be a beautiful life.

This is my dream. Let it be so (amen).

Gettin' Busy

I think it is about time that I started to learn the tent business. You know, I have spent the last year trying to find a Jesus occupation (pardon the phrasing); because I really wanted my life to be centered around helping people and changing the world. However, today, I was reading my book on the life of Paul, and started to think about how, the great Apostle, who gave us a majority of our “theology”, and really helped spread the Christian church more than any other single person, made tents for a living. From what we can tell, he didn't do this because he had to, but because it put him in contact with all sorts of people with whom he could share the “good news” with. So, I think it is about time I started to get into the tent business. Now, obviously, I am not talking about actually making tents here, but hopefully you get the point.

I want to really make a difference in this world, and the best way I see that being possible is to motivate these great institutions, already in place, to exercise their full capacity to really help the world around us. However, me, as one person could never make that change happen alone. But with other, “high named” people pushing the same message, maybe we really could make a difference. Plus, we would have the favor of God behind us, so who could stand in our way.

Now comes the part where I need to just take steps to put myself around the people who, combined in one vision under God, can make a difference.

We are going to do this. The world is going to be a better place. Something good is on the horizon. Just wait, you'll see. :-)

Good Day

Today was a good day. It has been a while since I have had a purely good day. I like good days. I hope to have more of them in the near future.

Thank you God for a good day, and thank you for letting me enjoy it with someone. I really appreciate it.

Good-day.

Being a Good Person

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing"

At some point or another, I think everyone has heard this phrase. But let me expand on it for you tonight. I believe that there are good people out there- truly good people who want to make a difference in this world. I believe this phrase is true as well as its implications. All that is needed to defeat evil, on any level, is for a good person to stand up and do what they can. Anything... so long as it is more than standing around and doing nothing at all.

Here is where it gets complicated. Those that are good know that there is no such thing as them doing something half-assed. We do not do things for show. We are not in it to tweak a detail, or even just to be good. We play because we want to win. And not even for the sake of winning, but because triumph is what we do. Why even try unless your goal is to succeed When it comes to the evils of this world, good people really have only two options.

1) We can either stand by and pretend like someone else is taking care of the problems, thereby not committing ourselves to the problem.
or
2) We will give it our all to amend the world as we see fit, simply for the sake of it once again being "right". Not for the glory, not for the sense of accomplishment. We just want the world to be "right", and we believe that we as a people deserve to live in one that is "right". If nothing else, we believe that the God we serve is good, and has placed within the context of our lives, the possibility of living a good life. But beyond that, to where we see life falling short, we believe that God has given each and every one of us the capacity to change and effect the world in th same way that the burden in our hearts crys for us to.

The hard part, atleast for me, patience: learning that sometimes you must learn before you can teach, and sometimes you must be sharpened before you can cut. But there is a difference between walking the winding road, and avoiding it.

Now, it comes down to a choice. How will you live your life?

Think about it.

too much information

I think I am going to stop telling people about who I am and details of my life. I dont know why I am such an open book. From here on out, no more volunteered information, but I will answer any and all questions as throughly as possible. Because, if they are willing to ask the question, then hopefully they will be the ones who actually care for the information that is me.

blah

exaustion, sort of

I am tired. My body and mind are tired. I am not sure why. I have trouble waking up, and am finding sleep more and more appealing. Why am I so tired?

This week was dirty. I am not sure how to discribe it other than simply "dirty". Mentally, emotionally, converstaionally... all just dirty. The only consistancy has been the ever increasing rate of time. These first weeks here seemed to go by so slowly, in a good way. Every day was fully of oppertunity to grow and develop. But now, things seem to have slowed down, and I am becoming more and more lazy. I do wish that I had the stamina to finish this race strong.

That is one of the reasons I stayed in cross-country -> not because I was good at it, but because my endurance and patience are horribly weak. You know what I learned from two years of running to no end.... my endurance and patience are horribly weak. But, to what extent that effects me, is totally my decision.

So, though life seems to be spiraling into a dark abyss, I will try and press forward and remember what life was like when I enjoyed all of this to no end.

But how am I suppose to enjoy life and all of these wonderful adventures without somone who is going to stay with me for more of my life than these few years in college. This does annoy me, the whole- me not being in "the relationship". I know that God is looking for me to surrender my desires to Him, and I know that I must learn to dissern between girl friends, and girlfriends. But, it is such a strong desire, that I am not the best judge of my actions in this area. I just want to enjoy life with someone who wants to enjoy it with me. I am tired of all the complications and incompatibilities. Isn't there someone out there who fits perfectly with my personality -> and I dont mean who she could be, but who she is, even if that is deep down inside of her. I chose to believe in the good of people, because if that good did not exist beyond the games everyone plays, life and friends would not be worth the effort.

But God is good, all the time, and all the time, God is good.
So with that, I will try some music and sleep- in that order.

We the People

In the two months I have been here, I have been fortunate enough to run across a few people who I think could actually turn out to be friends. I wont bore you to death with my history of friendships, but I will make this point. Through the cycles of life, I have come to distinguish between acquaintances, friends of proximity, and actual friends. Just by the descriptions, I am sure you can understand what I am talking about. It is not that any type of those is any better or worse, just different and for different purposes. Anywho, I have started to notice a similarity among those who have grown into friends. They all, to some capacity, would like to make a difference in this world.

I believe that somewhere within all of us is the desire to make some change in our paradigm, but these people actually seem to be taking steps towards making that difference. Some of them are going into politics, trying to make the change within. Some people are going into business, trying to take the wheel of the great power that is capitalism to do some good. Others are determined to venture into engineering, to help others qualities of life. Then there are the missionaries, who really don't know how to make a difference, but know that being with those who are suffering is better than sitting on their thumbs here. Some of them will become teachers, trying to educate a generation into actions. Some will go into the 9-5 of corporate America, and impact their families and co-workers, inspiring them to be better people, and admits that change, the world will have a renewed hope of being a better place. Then, I am sure, there are some who will end up as pastors of some sort, trying to preach or sing to others a good direction for their life.

Really, I have found myself surrounded by quite a diverse group of individuals, but one things seems to remain constant. These are people who want to make the world a better place.

I was driving down the road the other day and decided that such a grouping of individuals should be able to identify that desire with some greater movement. Sure, the pastors will have their youth groups, the engineers will have their clubs, and the teachers will have their conventions, but how about a bigger picture. That is why I am proposing a new group. Granted, it will probably never develop into an actual group. But the idea is there for something big.

If I were to start a group, it would be called: “We the People”
Affectionately named after the opening lines of our very own Constitution. If you want to read it, you can find a link for it here: http://www.archives.gov/national-archives-experience/charters/constitution.html Interestingly enough, the phrase “We the People” is the only part of it written in exceptionally large font (except titles like “article 1”). Take a look if you have time.

I have spoken on this topic before, but our Declaration of independence really is a powerful document. Think about it. You have a group of individuals who gather together and decided that their government was not operating the way it should, and that it was causing too much harm to remain subordinate to. And so, they wrote this:
**********************************************
(Pardon the heresy as I present my cliff-noted version of the Declaration of Independence)

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them... they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.--That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, ...

(They then contend reasons for abolishing their current system of government)

We, therefore, ... appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States..... And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

*****************************************

Having written such a declaration, they then later wrote what we now know as the “Constitution of the United States”. Let me clarify my thoughts here.... You have a group of individuals who have decided that they no longer believed in the ways the government was operating, and so they banned together to form their own group “We the People”, to establish how they felt a government should be run.

Now, please don't confuse what I am saying. I am NOT contending that the U.S. Government should be overthrown or even rebelled away from. But I do believe that there are changes that need to be made, both internally and through external coercion.

The good news is that our government was created around the idea that the POWER IS IN THE PEOPLE. And that is who we are. We ARE “the People”. And when it comes to change, we are the ones who are going to have to do it. Otherwise, as we can see in the world around us, nobody will.

That is why I would call my group of friends- “We the People”... and just as every good group has a motto, I would give our group the motto of “WE WILL CHANGE THE WORLD!” Too many times have I gotten the reality speech or stern looks of disapproval when I have talked about actually making an impact. I am tired of it. I do believe such a small group of men and women can start a movement. I do believe in the ripple effect of life. I do believe that through God all things are possible. I do believe that we can make a difference, and I will not just stand, but will move in action towards that difference until the change has been made.

There are two powerful institutions within my grasps that have immense capacity to change this world. There is the government of the United States, and then there is the great Roman Catholic Church. Both with simply the inherent flaw of being opposite sides of the same world changing coin. Pardon the generalizations, but on one side of the coin there is an institution, derived by men and supported by God, to establish freedom and equality- but those two things have served as its undoing as the United States now seems plagued by the effects of “true freedom” and “absolute equality”, when the original intention was freedom FROM oppression, not freedom TO oppress. And on the other side of the coin, you have a brilliant institution derived by God and supported by man, designed to give structure and stability to a feeble Christian faith that at one time, and still is, fighting the world. Sadly though, its structure has trumped its spirit, and what was once a movement of the heart, guided by principles to bring one into a relationship with Christ, has turned into a mechanized structure of rules and regulations creating a new order of Pharisees (in one sense) – and only because it knew no better way to deal with such an influx of new believers.

Here in America, we have the capacity for change, and that capacity is US. Not the U.S., but US- as in you and me. “We the People” are the ones who are going to have to make the change that we want to see in this world. Sure, this sounds crazy, but so does a man from Nazareth saying you could throw mountains into the ocean with but a mustard seed of faith. With the Holy Spirit to guide us, with the anointing of Christ on our lives, and in pursuit of Gods pleasure, what could stop us. Sure, this is not going to be some beautifully eloquent march up the steps of the Capitol asking for immediate change. I know it will take a long time to do, but patience never seemed to be a problem for God, and therefore should not be a problem for me. “We will change the world”... In whatever way we can. Because “We the People” believe that we can, and that this world was not the one God intended for us live in. We believe that we were sent a guide, the Holy Spirit, to direct our passions- and right now, we feel those passions pushing us to make a difference in this world. And so that is what we will do. However we can.

And in closing, I will leave you with my favorite quote from Rocky. Have a good day.....

"What's crazy about standing toe to toe [with life] and saying, I am."
-Rockey

daily thought

The most powerful force in the universe bounces off of my chest every morning. I AM Superman.

Secondly, to me- Jesus healing the cripple man's body wasnt the incredible miracle. What astonishes me is that the man even knew how to use his new legs, so much so that he ran. I have a sore on the bottom of my foot, and I still limp whether or not it actually hurts. How amazing is it that by a touch, Jesus transformed and renewed the mans mind so that he knew how to run again. I guess that is what Christ is suppose to do to our minds. Transform them.... think about it.

Jubilee Conference... One week ago.

One week ago I went to a conference in Pittsburgh. It was called the Jubilee conference. For the most part, it was a series of lectures and social events for three days surrounding around the idea of moving college students into action to change the world around them. For me, it was both informative, in that I learned how really screwed the world is, but it was also a great time of reflection. While I was there, I wrote in my notebook an entry that I promised myself I was going to post on here no matter how it turned out. It has been a week, there has been no editing to this...so here goes nothing. Please forgive my tardiness.

My thoughts:
Since I can remember, I have been a fixer by nature. This has lead me into computers and engineering because they were constant problems that needed fixing. However, I soon grew tired because I had no goal or purpose, and I was not in complete dependence of God. For some reason, I have not expected the ways Gd has guided my life. My soccer career ended in a strange way. I was fouled out setting a precedent for the game. My friends were being bullied around and I grew tired of it and so I set a standard. We went from loosing with a full team to finally pulling through and tying into overtime, but loosing the shootout. Then, I saw myself as a failure, but perhaps it was not about winning the game but learning the lesson. In school, I was always the devils advocate against the teachers. This was not out of rebellion, but because I was tired of authority trampling people. In high school, my great task was debate. However, that crumbled as I grew tired of twisting the truth and I grew tired of arguing against little challenge, only for my own glorification. So, instead of moving forward in politics, I abandoned that outlet. But now, i can see that once again there was a lesson to be learned in my experiences. Though debate, I learned that: just because someone wins an argument does not make them right, it makes them persuasive. So, alas, here I stand at Grove City College seeking God and trying to see how I can help the world. Here is what I know about myself:
-- I have to be helping people to be happy in life.
-- I feel called to defend the underdog, purify the faith, and witness to the intellectuals and the powerful.
-- I am the happiness when I am fixing problems.

So, here is what i feel I must do for the fulfillment of Gods will in my life. This has come by revelation, and is in interesting timing with the rest of my life.

I need to place myself in the cross-hairs of the huge problems of life and just be me. Only admits the storms have I ever felt right/ happy/ complete. So, if I want to seek the will of God in my life – I need to place myself in the storms of life and start working. Then, let the favor and gifts God has given me begin to transform this world.

Ironically, I sit here in the second session of the Jubilee conference wondering why my affinity for books ifs fading. I walked around their book stand, thinking- these are all the same and none of them are actions, just words..... (and interestingly enough) the speaker just started talking about how books are not life. He said “You can get straight A's and still flunk life”.

My New Life

Interesting factoids about my new life:

1) My roomates rock. I am really glad that I have two roomates. I know a lot of people complain about the whole roomate situation, but I think if you get a group of individuals who are relativly considerate to each other, it can be really great to live together.

2) I do not mind asking the "hard questions". In class today, I asked my professor, essentially, whether or not a Christian could be possessed by a demon. You would have thought that I just shot someone. The entire class fell silent, but alas, the professor gave a great answer. I am not sure why people are so afraid of stepping on other's toes. But I am not. Granted, that has to be balanced with respect... which brings me to the next topic

3) Life is an interesting game of balance. Not just in the way you act and react, but also in the way with you deal with your inherent personality. I think that we all have natural personalities, that for whatever reason, we just have. Understandably, there is something to be said about becoming a "better person". However, I do not think that means that we are all suppose to be the same. For all negative personality traits, I think there are two ways they can hurt you. First, and most obviously, the negative nature of them (like anger, lack of self-control, being conceited, etc.) can hurt you and other people. However, what I didnt realize, was that overly opressing them can also hurt you and other people. I have several things that I have "struggled" with for a long time. I had a serious anger problem, I talked too much, I was apparently insensitive, I had a dominating personality, and I had a way of asking too many questions that were too deep, either intellectually, or emotionally probing. For the longest time I have been fighting all of those natural impulse- and I believe that it has done me good. But, there is something to be said that we were all given natural personality traits to do our plan and purpose with. To me, it only makes sense that Satan would attack, tempt, and frustrate us with our strengths, so that we would think they were weaknesses. For so long I have thought of my capacity for adrenaline, my audacity, my probing nature were negative traits that I needed to "oppress" if I was going to be a mature person. But now I am realizing that those traits, if viewed properly, can be very instrumental in life.
Case in Point: I think it is safe to say that many of the areas we think are our "weaknesses" are really are strengths. The good book once said "God will use the foolish things of this world to confound the wise". I think that it is parallel to my mini-sermon here, lol

4) I am learning once again that communication is key to having relationships with people. I have always been a proponent of talking- but in the last few years, I have thought that it was only plaguing... now I am once again assured that communication is key to any type of relationship you want to have, whether it is familial, romantic, or friendship.

5) You know you have left Oklahoma when you walk outside and think "Wow, it has warmed up"... and then you realize that it is actually 26 degrees... which, is "warmer" than -15... life is funny.

6) Laughter is the key to life. If you arent laughing, you need to change something, or find someone who will make you laugh. I dont see the point in living if we can be happy and laugh.

7) Making fun of people to get a laugh can be good... in very small quantities. That is something I need to work on.

8) I work harder than my roomates. Well, maybe not harder, but def. longer. I go to sleep after them most nights, and wake up before them. Currently I am averaging 6-7 hours a night. So far, I feel fine. Though, a nice 30 min afternoon nap is becoming my friend.

9) I love music, without it- I can easily go crazy. Whether it is worship music or secular self-expression... I am a sucker for a good rhythm and some nice lyrics.

10) I love my family. I miss being around them sometimes. I have a great family. Every one of them are incredible, and uniquely special to me.

11) I like the cold, but it does make me miss the lake. I think I am going to really appreciate the lake and spending time with my family more this summer.

12) I avoid doing homework by blogging. Like now... bye

Encouragement

I should ammend my previous post by saying that I now know that my words and actions did in fact have some impact on the group. If nothing else, I know it has helped to guide the leadership's vision of the direction this group needs to go.

However, I do still believe that my exposure to this group should be limited to some degree as I feel it is just not my place to be a part of this group yet. Time will tell.
******************

Also, one more addendum. I would also like to reiterate my first post- This blog is not for the purpose of instruction any/ all of its readers as to what the direct truth of life it. It is, instead, a means by which I get my thoughts on God, life, and such out into the open. I will not post something on here unless I am atleast 90% sure of its truth. However, seeing as how all of this is in my constant pursuit of truth, I do appreciate any and all criticism of these ideas if you feel such opposed, because I do want to know the truth of God, and I refuse to be trapped in the bubble of my own mind.

silence

I have trouble being quiet. I learned that tonight. I went to a small-group / community group tonight and listened to a sermon. Through the worship, and the praying, and the sermon... I just kept yelling to myself all of these things I felt needed to be said. They were seeking God, and I knew that I should remain silent because they need to find them through their own ways- but I so felt that I knew the "missing link", and I felt such an urge to share it. So, needless to say, I did. Then, time went on, it was all good, so I shared another thought. Then, everyone just stared at me. Shortly there after one of the "main people" tried to clear up what I said to make it fit the group... but it was then that I learned my lesson.

Perhaps sometimes God wants me to just be quiet. I was silent for so long, but when it came out, it just exploded, and apparently I was "preaching"... which for some reason, I did not want to do. I guess it would be easier for me to think that what I said was of God, but I know that I did it with a caviot in the back of my head that perhaps these people should learn it themselves. Sadly, I do not think they understood what I was saying. But, perhaps someone did.

I pray that it did help someone. I just hope that this does not inhibit my future dealings with these people / this group. Next time, I will try and be more "community" and less "pastoral". If there is a next time.... lol

Dominion

Okay, so I have written this three times, and it has been deleted each time by my computer... so either it is going to be really good, or really bad. I don't have time to explain it all right now, but I am just going to outline the points and come back to it later.

When Adam was created, he was given dominion over all of creation. However, because of the fall, he lost that dominion, and was held subject to the ways of nature. When Jesus was offered as a sacrifice, it allowed those who pursued a relationship with God to be restored to a pre-fall state, where as we could actually have a true, unadulterated relationship with God. Heb 10 tells us that the sacrifice of Jesus was ultimate and finished. Unlike the old covenant, where people need to be constantly attoned for, and constantly seek forgiveness- Salvation through Jesus was a once and for all deal, where as it not only covered your sins, but washed the entire idea of sin away for all of eternity so that those who believed in God and pursued a relationship with Him would not need to be burdened by sin.

Now, most people leave the analysis right there; however, I think it can go one step further. When God created all that is, he not only created it ex nihilo (out of nothing), but he instilled his image into it, and made it part of His creation that He Himself would live, to some end, within His creation so that He could have a relationship with His creation. Pre-Adam, we know that God walked through the garden with them. Pre-Jesus, we know that the spirit of God was behind the Holy vial. And now, the Spirit of God (Holy Spirit), runs freely throughout the creation.

So, here is where things begin to get interesting. Many people have this idea that here on earth, we live in the physical, or natural. In heaven, and in another spiritual dimension, there exists the supernatural. Even if you believe Eph 6, that “our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the ... spiritual forces of evil in heavenly places”- I would venture to say that you would still believe that the spiritual world still exists in a separate place, but has a profound impact on our lives.

Now, here is where it might get confusing. I would like to venture to say that there is no separate “natural world”, nor a distinct “supernatural realm”... case in point, Jesus. When He came down to earth, his actions did not seem to be a great bridging of the cosmos. His miracles seemed common place to Him. Casting out demons was not a ritual or a process, but rather- He spoke, and they obeyed. When Jesus was talking to the Roman soldier about his son being possessed, the Roman soldier said that just as he could speak to one of his soldiers and they would obey, so could Jesus speak to a demon and they would obey, because they were under His authority. Because of this, Jesus said the man had greater faith than anyone he encountered.

Every time Jesus spoke about miracles, driving out demons, or enacting the Kingdom of Heaven on earth, it seemed to be “by faith”... which simply means believing the correct reality. Many people today want to go through drawn out ceremonies, or prayer battles to do “supernatural things”. However, I would suggest that such a view of the world is not correct. I believe that there is no distinct supernatural realm. Instead, what we would consider natural and supernatural exist together. Case in point, I believe we are living in the supernatural. All that is limiting us is our unbelief, or rather- our misguided belief. Many people view the supernatural or spiritual realm as something distinctly different. However, that just does not seem to be the case. Jesus did not talk in hypothetical when it came to doing spiritual things. He showed that the merging of such two ideas, was simply done by faith and by speech. Even when he responded to His apostles who were unable to cast out a demon, he told them “this kind comes by prayer and fasting”. Now, I might be wrong by saying this, but this is how I see that response... What do prayer and fasting do but to give you more faith in God. I would venture to say that prayer and fasting are for devoutly seeking God, and based on that search of God, you become close to Him and start to realize the truth of His creation. Therefore, giving you the authority in His creation. When Adam and Eve fell, they did so because their minds became so flooded with knowledge that they were unable to seek God through all the clutter. They disobeyed His commandment, and so they were put in a position where they would have to seek God, instead of just enjoying His fellowship.

However, now we have the ability to live and breathe with God as we walk in our day to day. We know that God is living with us, and we should know that the world we are living in is no different, in a structural sense, than it was when Jesus performed His miracles. Therefore, if we are walking in the supernatural, and if our relationship with God, through Christ is such that the Kingdom of Heaven is our everyday lives, then we have the same authority over earth that Adam was given pre-fall. That means we have authority over all areas of this world.

Now, here is an interesting thought that will perhaps make you all think I have lost my mind. It is my own personal extrapolation, so take it with a grain of salt. Miracles, as we understand them, can all be explained by a supernatural phenomena. Jesus jumping through time and space can be theoretically explained by string theory, Jesus healing people can be explained by Him speaking order to that persons bodily functions, and such an action would be simply the speaker commanding that part of creation to act in the way it was designed, and not in the way it was. Now, this is not to say that we are all meant to be in ideal function, because I know different bodies were made different ways, for different reasons- but to the end God has given us authority, or rather dominion, we should have the ability to shape and mold His creation as our spirit guides us, and tells us how it should be. Jesus walking on the water can be explained by his atoms resisting the pull of attraction to the earth (gravity), and/or his atoms distributing his weight perfectly over the water. Ultimately, anything is possible if one had the authority to command it so (as long as it was within the creation of God) because we were not given the ability to create ex nihilo, but we were given the authority to command the already present creation.

However, I will append to this that we are told to not worship the miracles. In Luke 10:19-20 we are reminded to “not rejoice [that we have authority to tread on snakes and scorpions and all the power of the enemy], but rejoice that your names are written in heaven.” Now, granted, this was probably written to dissuade the cults that bite snakes and what-not to show the power of God. But still, it is a reminder that life with God is not about all the cool stuff we can do, but rather about a relationship with Him.

I guess then the point of this long post is to tell you that in Christ, all things really are possible to Him that believe, and even though your relationship with God might be pulling you in such a direction that you do not see as practice or even possible.... stretch your imagination a bit a just get it into your thick skull that God is bigger than your dreams and your reality. So seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added unto you. That includes understanding, and sense of reality around you. Too often, I find myself limited by my comfort zone, or at least only allowing direction from God to send me into the norms of life. But why should I let my own mind limit what God can and cant do when I know my own mind doesn't even know what I can and cant do. Even if you had some trouble with the talk on the supernatural, surely you can agree that you do not even know your own abilities. If you don't even know yourself, then why on earth should we ever think that we know God.

So, dream big, follow God, and stop constraining the guidance of the Holy Spirit to your own logic and understanding. If you want to really work for something, work for a relationship with God where you can be sensitive to the guidance of the spirit and trust it as you trust your relationship with God. Then, maybe he will call a few more of us out onto the waters

journey to Virginia

This weekend my life took an exciting detour... all the way to Virginia. I drove a few of my friends from GCC to Virginia to do some skiing. It was about a 6 hour drive, so we left Friday afternoon, spent the night, skied the next day, then drove back today (Sunday). On the way back, we took the "scenic route"- so, our drive was about 8 hours (including several cool stops). All in all, it was awesome. The people I went with were really cool, and I am looking forward to forging better friendships with them. We stayed with the ski-patrol at the mountain, and they were all really nice.... So, I said all that to say this. Here is what I learned from my road-trip:

1) My body was made to work. I cannot sleep properly, and still have a functional, enjoyable day unless I work my butt off during the day. It is just the way it is.

2) Roadtrips with friends are amazing. Not only are they exciting, but they teach you so much about a person. It is incredible what 8 hours in a car with someone will teach you. ( All in all, I found out my friends from GCC were pretty great, just btw )

3) The best sanctuary made for the worship is nature. Roadtrips allow you to put life in such perspective. You get to see how big the world is, and how ordered God has your life.

4) People love to laugh, and love to tell stories. It is pretty much what gets us through the days. I am not sure why this is, but it makes sense why the bible is in story format. As for the laughter, it just makes me happy. Though, I do need to work on how I make people laugh.

5) I very commonly make-fun of people for a laugh. It is in total sarcasm, so I am not actually mean, but I think I need to stop that. It just isnt worth it to slowly chop people down, even if they act like everything is fine.

6) People love when you notice the little things about them. Sure, anybody can make a comment about the generalities of your personality and such... but the little things really seem to matter.

7) Life is not about on-upping everyone. Too often we fall into the cycle of trying to prove to each other that we are equal or superior to each other. I am not sure why this is, but we all do it. Even if it is just as simple as telling a "similar story" about how we "went through the same thing". This is something I really need to work on. I need to learn to listen more and just "chil-lax" as Karen puts it.

8) "Do not worry then, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear for clothing?'...for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - The Bible

9) I need to stop thinking about dating. My mind wonders far too often to girls and the possibility for "something more". If I learned anything this trip, it was how to have good friends... that are girls. (Thank God for maturity)

10) God has made us in His image, and has instilled in us a certain personality to exercise the Kingdom of God in our own lives. It is good to sharpen your own skills... I believe we all have areas of our own self that need improvement... but in all reality- our pursuit should not be an external, ideal personality- for that would make us all the same. Rather, we should strive to be a better version of ourself. I think that I have been cutting my own legs out from under me, trying to be a "better person"- when in truth, there are parts of my personality that could be used very much for the "good" if only channeled the right way.

11) I need to learn how to relax more, and appreciate every moment of life.

12) I know I am going against #9 here... but I think I am going to one day marry a girl from the north-east.... not any time soon, don't worry, but still... ha.

13) lastly, I love the white powdered, chocolate cream filled donuts.


Okay, I need sleep. I haven't slept well this whole week.

-Z

Best Writing Ever

Let me preface the following quote by saying first that I do feel some caution in providing a higlighted version of the quote, but it is only because I want you all to read it all the way through... and I acknowledge that many of you would stop if I posted the whole thing. Secondly, might I just say that this is probably one of the best statements ever made in the history of mankind. Please, take a minute to recall any history of the United States you might remember, and thing of the gravity of what these people were doing. The history of this statement alone should suffice for it being such a great work, but beyond even that, I hope that you do see the inherent eliquence and beauty in every sentence. Okay, enough of my words, here it is:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed.....But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security."

Humanities

By definition, a course in Humanities is the process by which we become more humane. Here at Grove City College, we are required to take 6 classes in the Humanities... apparently to the great objection of the majority of students. I am not sure if students object to the Humanities because they are required or if it is because people dont actually care what the class has to offer... but non-the-less, I love the class. Here is why:

On the second day of class our professor made the announcement that his class would in no way help us make more money in life. The soul purpose of this class is to culture us and to give us the oppertunity to be better humans. Sure, it might seem like a waist of time to most, but quite frankly- that is part of the reason I am here: to become a better person. I think most people would agree that for the most part, what you learn in college (academically) is not directly utilized in your profession. Instead, most of the knowledge is learned by "on the job training". What does matter in college, however, is the person you become in those 4 or so years. Quite frankly, it is the primary reason I am in college. With my knowledge of computers, I could have easily entered the job-market doing computer repair, or web-site design... but as I have posted earlier, I knew I need to advance as a better person first. And that is what humanities is all about- culturing us, and broadening our perspective so that we go into the world with our eyes wide open, but also secure in our faith (not out of ignorance, but because it is what we know is true).

There is a saying here at GCC that goes something like: "Grove City College, where your best hasn't been good enough since 1876." In these last two weeks, I have come to understand what people mean by that. There is a crazy amount of work to do here. Granted, it might be because of my major being one that requires alot of reading, but still... it is very hard here. Since I have been here, I have quite literally read over 4 hours a day and I am still behind. But the irony in all of this is that the professors really arent asking more of me than is possible. There have been moments when I have goofed around, did nothing but look at facebook... and those moments have cost me time. Now, dont get me wrong, I do have a social life here- I was just refrencing the "idle time" that I somehow stumble upon throughout the day.

In many ways, the work required of me here at Grove is similar to the work God has for all of our lives. They have given me more than my current self can do alone, but still, deep inside of me- I know that it is possible to finish everything, and to do it well. In life, I believe God works the same way. It seems to me that when God moves, he often thrusts us into situations where our current self is inadequate, and only by the leading of the Spirit of God, as it educates and guides us, can we finish the task at hand.

So as for me, I love the crazy amount of work. It is a healthy challenge. How else would I improve as a person. If I am tested to my current ability, then why would I have to rise up/ improve as a person. This saying goes for about any sport out there. When you are training or playing a sport, your skill will often reflect the quality of players around you. Now, there are exceptions to this rule, but for the most part, we all need some iron to sharpen ourselves againts from time to time. For me, this is the place to be sharpened.

One of my favorite sayings from highschool was: "The victor is defined by the size of his opponent."... and really, that is so true in life. Had David not defeated a goliath, there would be no great story to tell. But in every instance, God called David to rise above his previous abilities to reflect the glory of God.

So, word of the day- If you want to know what the calling of God is on your life, look for something you can't do on your own, because only then can the glory of God be shown.

-Z

Challenge

1 Cor 9: "Everyone who competes in the games exercises self-control in all things They then do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable.Therefore I run in such a way, as not without aim; I box in such a way, as not beating the air; but I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified"

Most of the people in my life tell me that I am way too hard on myself. Understandably, I can see what they are talking about, but I still hold to my desire to better myself. It would take way too much time to discribe all of the specifics, so for this posts I will have to stick to the vaguities. I believe it is important for people to do two things. First, they must decided on what type of person they were meant to be, or construct some general image of their own personality that is better than their current position, that they personally feel would allow the will of God to flow through their lives the easiest. Secondly, I think they must then take the appropriate steps to pull their-self up to that position in life.

I am not trying to create an endless cycle of betterment here, but I do think there is something to be said about really going after the dreams you believe should be a reality in your own life. This doesnt just apply to your personality/ way of looking at the world, it can apply to all of your life, but for the purpose of this post, I am going to directly apply it to who you are as a person.

A few years ago I decided that deep beneath the crap in my life existed a genuinly good person who wanted to help the people around him. However, between that good person and the rest of the world was a lot of crap/pain/etc. that would first have to be moved/ purged... and so I have been pushing myself constantly since then. I have restrained from getting into another relationship (though my heart desires it), I have moved out of my comfort zone in Tulsa (though my security desired it), and I am writing on this random blog. (even though I believe my words wont help anyone else out there).

There are several "easy ways out" in my life... Back in Tulsa, I had a guarunteed success, and a good life that would have been just swell... but at some point I started to believe that there was something more out there for me. So, I have been pushing and pushing my mind, body, and spirit "so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified"

I have a lot of struggles in my life. Specifically, I have a strong longing in my heart, my mind, and my body to be in a relationship. I miss the companionship and the intimacy (dont take that word the wrong way... I'm refrencing closeness, not physical intimacy). But, at some point I came to the decision that having a girl in my life was inhibiting my relationship with God... at the time, I was getting my security and my comfort from the relationship instead of from God. Now, I understand the idea of a complimentary role of the relationship instead of always relying on it.... and so I am here. For the most part, I am forcing myself to stay single until the "right girl" (whatever that means) comes along. Sure... that seams whimsical, but I am done just having a girlfriend to have a girlfriend. I dont have a strong enough desire to "just have someone in my life"... for it to be worth all the emotional trauma if they arent the right one. Im not saying it will be love at first sight, and I might date a few girls between her and now... but I think it is time to take relationships a lot more seriously. I no longer believe I should date someone who I do not think I would marry. Humerously enough, I once believe this... back in Sophomore year of highschool... but somewhere in there I decided to date people I knew I would never marry.. but alas, here I am again. I think that I need to find girl friends, so that I can learn to "just be friends". And in the event of me actually thinking a future is possible with someone... then and only then will I begin the whole dating thing.

You know, I once wanted to be a writer... but Im not sure now- I have a crazy hard time communicating things. Granted, I am writing these posts in a hurry.. but still, you would think I would be better at this, lol.

A (hopefully) Short Addendum

Okay, so here are the two major topics (briefly discribed) that are rocking my mind right now....
First, I have been fighting the concept of giving God controll of my life for a long time now. Sometime in the summer, I decided that I needed to give God absolute controll of my life, and since then I have been on the journey to do just that. First, it was the little things... computers, games, all the misc. things that took up my free time. I decided that several things were wasting my time and keeping me from pursuing God. The next step was not so easy. Admits a relationship that was getting all sorts of complicated, I realized that females just weren't something I should be partaking of right now. I think I went around 4 years without being out of a relationship of some sort for over a two weeks. I had essentially zero down time. That created in me a dependance on having a girl in my life. They became my comfort, my refuge, and my security- all things that God was suppose to be. So, that was terminated. Then, it came time to give God controll of my future. I was an engineer for a while, with a guarunteed future... but I gave that up in search of God. However, then I declared another major (History and PoliSci) that still had hopes of getting me a job. Once again, I felt secure in life.. but it wasnt through God. In addition to that, Tulsa was comfortable for me. I knew I was safe there, and I knew I could "make it" if I stayed there. That kept me from God. And so I am here... for a challenge, and so I can find all those things in God and not from things in life. (okay, as you can tell, this is going to be a long addendum, sorry :-) ) So, now I am at Pennsylvania wondering what the heck is going on. I keep trying to get girls out of my mind. I do not want to be dependent on a relationship. I want it to be a beautiful addition to my life that exists with in company with the peace of God... and quite simply- I am SICK AND TIRED of all the confusion that girls bring to my life. I think life should be way more simple than it has been in the history of my relations with the opposite sex. Anywho, this leads me to my next point.

Today, I got to the point where I was like "Why am I here?". I believe God can give me what I need when I need it. I believe you dont have to know the whole bible for the spirit of God to flow through you. I do not believe the path to success in my life is attaniable my my own study, outside of God. I do not want "studying God" to become an intellectual thing to me. I very much want to keep the deep, intimate, spiritual relationship I have with my heavenly father. Also, I do not want any more reasons to doubt the capacity of God. I refuse to try and quanitfy God... or ever feel like I "know" what he can and cant do.... Which leads me to Jesus.

For so long I have been talking to God trying to figure out what I was suppose to "do".. who I was suppose to date, what I was suppose to study, where I was suppose to go. It is very easy for me to lecture others about how we have the gift of choice, so we should use it based on our spirit, and do not neccesarily need an audible voice to tell us everything. I know that God moves beyond words, and can touch us through our spirit... but why was I not allowing the same thing to happen in my life....

Then I was reminded by the spirit what I was doing. I was seeking/ talking to God- and not speaking to Jesus. I have not ever really done that. I have always directly addressed God, and avoided Jesus. But I dont think we are suppose to do that. Jesus said He was to be the intersessor for us and the father... so why wasn't I just obeying him? Because I was stupid, that was why. Then the comparison hit me. I was trying to follow a very old covenent way of doing things. I was looking for works to find God... when Jesus is very much a different way.

When I was having this very angry and confused conversation with God... I was pacing my room, seemingly arguing with myself and God. Then I was reminded of the way Jesus worked. He told me to lay down... and that was how I was suppose to feel with Him. As I lay there on my comforter, stretched out across my bed, I felt the embrace of warmth and comfort. I felt Jesus tell me, "you worry too much"... "I will take care of you".... then all the sermons about "just as he takes care of the flowers of the field and sparrow, so will he take care of you" as well as the many speaches I have given others about how it is God who does the heavy lifting, not us. It was then that I was forced to admitt my own ignorance, and submitt to God.... through the love and comfort that Jesus brings. What I was doing was not the new covenent... it was very old covenent. I was seeking works, when all Jesus wants for us to do is to follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit, to follow the desires of our heart, to have a relationship with Him. We do not have to have everything in controll, we do not have to understand everything. We are just suppose to obey. I think that is what it comes down to. Obedience. I did not trust God enough to obey. I need to work on that.

So then I asked, "Why am I here, studying the word?"... and the answer I felt was that my studies was to teach me to seek God, to focus on Him and not myself, and most importantly, to have the scripture deep in me, so if I stumble again, I will have the word to push me forward.

I believe there are many parts to God, and that each one serves a purpose. I am not sure why I am here, but I know God has things in controll. I want a girl to laugh with and to love, but if now isnt the time, then so be it. For now, I will consume my mind and heart with the pursuit of God and try for once to let God be in controll.... We'll see how this goes. ;-) In all reality, I have like 3-4 hours of reading on "Jesus stuff" to do every day, so that should help. But, you know how my self controll is... haha.

-May your days be better than mine, and may you find God in every movement of your life.