"it"

The it of which I last spoke... was directly referring to a conversation I had with a friend about a significant life change I am in the process of. Apparently there are things in my life that are owning me instead of me owning them... More importantly, those things are getting in the way of my relationship with God, as well as my relationships with friends...s I have to some end been more focused on my happiness and those goals than on simply thanking and serving God. The process/ life-change of which I speak is my current journey for which to change that. Specifically, I strongly want a wife, family, career, and fully-knowable end purpose. However, as it seems, I want those things even more than I desire the truth of God to penetrate my own life. To that end, I have been found selfish, and so a change is now necessary. A change where in I am no longer self-centered, but rather, focused on the world around me and the God above me. Even if I dont want to. Or rather, especially when I dont want to be. At this point, I am learning to trust God more than myself, my hopes, and my dreams.

It is hard. I feel as though I am becoming more familiar with "letting go" than I ever was familiar with "holding on". I do not like it many times, but I know that it is necessary, as this season in my life. Even though there are so many seemingly legitimate things that I want out of life, I still know that ultimatly, God's desires must come first.

Right now, I am giving up on trying so hard at everything. From now on, I will only be giving effort to the things that God asks of me. Everything else, all other work done because I thought it was necessary... is just in vain.

I have let go of a really close friend. I did not want to, but God saw it fit that I did. We agreed it was the best decision. It hurts me to do this. I do not like this constant isolation and aloneness. But, God has a bigger plan, I am sure.

And that is all.