my comet

If you are a fellow One Tree Hill fanatic, you should recognize this post by its title. In the season finally, Lucas finally finishes his second book which is "supposedly" about a boy seeing a comet that brought him energy and life... and then that comet disappearing for nearly all the boys life, causing him to question God and love and faith.

To quote the book: "The boy saw the comet and he felt as though his life had meaning. And when it went away, he waited his entire life for it to come back to him."

While I do not know how that book ends, I do know of the parallels that I see to it in my own life. Simply put, I have had a dream of beauty and completion and greatness since before I can even remember....

[Side note: You know, you hear of all these great stories of dreams that people have for life, and they can always link that dream back to one day or experience that started it all. For some reason, I simply can not. I have just always had a dream for to be married to a beautiful woman, to have an incredible family, and to change the world with my influence/greatness. Honestly, I dont even know where it came from. ]

My idol is Batman... and I think that explains more about my life than any post could. To his success and failure, I find my life searching after what Batman had. Batman, in my eye, was this person of power and influence who used all of his resources not for personal enjoyment, but to help the community around him. Ironically, he never gets the girl in the end... or rather, he never stays with the girl in the end. Instead, his personal pleasures are always trumped by the needs of the world around him. To me, Batman is the hero of all heroes because of his willingness to sacrifice his life and love to help others. In Batman, I see this man who loves deeply, who really cares for the world around him... he is a man who is moved by passion and emotion, who wants MORE out of life. And yet, ironically, the world that he lives in, Gotham, more often than not, only sees him as a machine of the night, and often hates him for some reason for another. In that, we see another sacrifice he is willing to make... and the latest Batman movie even demonstraits this... Bruce is willing to even sacrifice his own image and what even those close to him think of him as long as it is benefiting the greater good. To me, Bruce is a man's man, caring more about the world than his own success in it.... Oh the greater good... Alas, I fear I may be damned to such a position... if I am lucky :-)

I recently read through some old stories and poems I wrote in middle school. No worries... writing poetry was not a hobby of mine... rather a bizar school project, lol. Anywho, I thought you all out there (whoever you may be) might enjoy reading this one, as it once again tells you a lot about me and my inner-workings.

This is a poem I wrote when I was 10 years old. I actually remember writing this one... there was about 10 minutes of though, and then I just wrote it straight through, letting my inner (whatever) spill out on the paper. Knowing that I was only 10 when I wrote this really freaks me out... not because of any skill in the work, but rather to the degree that I still feel like I can associate with the emotion... the strong desire for love..... and the sadness of being alone. I do hope that if I ever did find "her" out there, that I would never make this mistake.

The poem is posted below, verbatim as I found it.

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The Wind That Whispered

I saw a stranger passing by
I looked her straight, dead in the eye

We exchanged look, sights, and sounds
I was going to speak
When my mouth went weak

I opened my mouth
I tried to say
But I'll have to tell her
Some other day

As she left
I heard a whisper
Run, chase
Catch up with her
Ask her to stay nearby

A couple of minutes
For she could change your life
From a dew of a damp
To a lightening slick shine
She could be with
During the hard times

But I let her go
I let her leave
I let her go
She left my heart
With just a whisper of a dream

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I have long since dreamed of living my life with such an incredible woman, and I still tragically believe in love at first sight. I am honestly tired of dating, and now I feel like all I am doing is searching. My belief in this woman seems to parallel my belief in God, though I hope they are independent. Both faiths, I do not remember the exact beginning... but I do remember times when that faith was made stronger (and most usually in the face of adversity to the faith).

Right now, I feel like my faith is really being refined. It would be (seemingly) much easier to give up on "the one" and placate myself with cute girls and fun personalities... and perhaps that would still be a healthy alternative to my "all or nothing" motto. However, we all know that I am not going to do that... silly me, the hopeless romantic, refusing to date for such horribly noble reasons as "I do not want to hurt another girl" as well as "I want to be emotionally ready when I do meet her." Sure, these sound like good reasons... but for now, I feel stuck in the BLAH! of life...

For now, I leave you with a quote from Count of Monte Christo:

"Life is a storm my young friend, you will bask in the sunlight one moment be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes. You must look into the storm as you shout as you did in Rome. Do your worst for I will do mine."